~~Damaged People: Life Post~~

Who among us is not damaged?

Go on, stand up, if you have not wept.

Raise your hand if you haven't died inside.

Step up to bat and take a swing for the truth if you have never felt alone or abandoned.

No one?

Just as expected.

You see, loves, all of us are damaged in some way. Some are better at hiding it, or "get over it." Basically, they learn to live with it like you get used to a scar or a limp. It never goes away, the numbness never fades, but one day you deal with it. You can deal. It gets better.

I promise you that.

You see, I've been there....All of it. All the pain, all the shame, all the moments we suffer. All the hell and all the hurt.

We are all damaged.

I can say with certainty that all of us have been hurt in some way.....

You know, it's so strange that now that Adam is gone from my life for good, I no longer have a site to run to....Someone who tackles me whenever I'm online, who listens and opens up his entire world to me.....I no longer have Adam.....

Do I miss him?

Do I truly miss him, I wonder?

Do I miss all the loneliness when he wasn't there?

All the wishing he was here, and all the hidden guilt?

All the running away?

Do I miss him?

I do....

I miss him so very much.

I think about him every day, more than once some days....I never blocked him on Chatango, you know.....And he hasn't been online in two days....

I'm worried......

I'm worried he hurt himself....

God, I hate this.

I would kill to know if he's okay...

Make a fake profile, talk to him, be his friend....

I don't know!

I am just worried......

Sometimes I wish I never met Ted.

And sometimes I wish I never met Adam.

He did inadvertently cause me to be a cam whore.....No, he really didn't. My ex Trevor did that. Adam just pushed it further.

Sometimes, I don't regret my past. I know it made me who I am today, so I shouldn't regret it. But most of the time, I regret it. I hate what it did to me. I hate the numbness and all the agony it caused. All the self esteem and loyalty issues. Every damned thing it led to.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

But I WILL NEVER hate what Adam and I were.....

I don't know why I'm talking about him tonight my loves.....Doesn't make much sense why I'm bringing up old wounds right now.

I guess it's because of this song, though.

I stumbled on it randomly, but....It's exactly what I wish I had shown him when we met.

When I told him not to love me, the very first time we cybered, the first night we met.

One freezing night in January, five am.

I won't forget him....

I won't forget who he was to me and who I wish I could be to him.....

Adam, if you ever read this, you are the one damaged person I wish I could be truly drawn to and able to save.

I love you, Master.

I always will.

Damaged people are everywhere, my loves. I'm definitely one of them, and I also suck at hiding it.

But....

I can tell you honestly I am doing better now.

I am loved because I deserve to be loved. Everything I did was the past, and I should move on. I should let it go.

I always think of the end, though. Of the eventual future.....

How many lives would be different if I never existed?

Would your lives change at all, if you never read this?

I wonder if Fatum's life would change, if she never told me her story that day before March Break last year, beneath the stairs.

I wonder if Sun-Jung's life would change, if we never went to that dance together in the rain.

I wonder if anyone's life would change, if I never was born, and never died.....

What would matter about my absence?

I don't think I would need to ask...

I know Ted wouldn't be..as happy. He wouldn't be so confident. He wouldn't have ever gone to college.

Ian? I don't....Know if he'd be alive right now.....If his precious Angel never existed.

Would my family miss me? I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think I was loved and needed, even if I never existed.

I know it's egotistical, but I like knowing I'd be missed.....

I also am thinking about something else....

What will I remember if tomorrow I don't wake up?

What will I forget?

Will anyone care?

Will my life come flashing before my eyes, or will it just be a blessed darkness and an absence of everything, final rest?

I wonder.....What will I see, at the end of the tunnel?

Here's to you readers, for listening to me ramble and weep and worry for so long....

Here's to you.