~~This is the End.~~

So much that needs to be said

When all that this can do is be read

I wish you could hear my voice

As I tell you my final choice

This blog is going to end

And a new site shall take its place

Whether I give you the link or not, my friend

Will determine whether or not I save face

I'm sick of the world knowing my agony

And knowing the disease that beats inside

I want somewhere new, without memory

Somewhere it's safe to hide

Maybe you'll stumble upon it?

Or maybe I'll just fade away?

Either way, this blog will likely not stay

For very long, past the creation of the next

This new one will be recovery

Of the broken angel

The lovely little girl seeking sympathy

That you all give so well

Actually, I think I will give you the link

I'll put the link after this poem

After all the pain, the recovery will now be written in black ink

Upon white--why not show them?

Why not show the world

The secret side of me?

As my wings are unfurled

And I am blown out to sea?

~~When the Skies Bleed White~~

When the screams fade

And the storms break

When the sun shines

And the world begins

 

Don't forget there's someone there

Someone who can always care

I'm the girl who can love you

And I'm the one who will matter

 

Marry me, if you think you must

Hold me tight if you think you can

Keep me close and love me

Unless you think you can't

 

Marry me would you?

Because I need someone too

Someone to keep me close

When the entire world ends.....

 

When the sky bleeds white

And the winds start to blow

I will be alone

But I will be okay.

~~I Don't Understand~~

You said you knew what was best for me

Was it really making me love you?

Was making me hurt, even if I never admitted the pain

What was best for me in your eyes?

You know the life I've led

And you know how far I've been thrown

And how far back up I've had to fly

Did you really think that this

That making me love someone I can't touch

I can't hold, and listen to, and kiss

Was best for me?

Please, don't forget the kind of man

I know you to be

You're so much better than you'll ever let yourself see

Just like I am

You're my shadowed light--and I'm yours

Can we remain that way, somehow?

Even if we're only friends, can we still say I love you?

Even if we never kiss again, can I hold you?

You know....

I don't understand

How strongly I feel for you

And how strongly I'm hurt

By being made to go make myself a cheater again

After I finally believed myself to be honest....

Oh, hun.....

I still love you

And you know I won't ever stop loving you

Please, please don't let me be

Don't let me ever be alone

For when I'm alone

I can no longer fly

And I can no longer shine

Be the one I hurt the most

If you think you can take it

Be the one watching on the sidelines

If you think you have to

Be the one I long to have

But can never touch

If we both think you're able to

As long as you be mine

I think it's all okay....

I love you.

Forever and a day.

~~You May Need to Hold Me Tight~~

So many years pass

Since the last time I stood

Upon the shores

Of a different continent

A land so far and fine

Egypt, I miss thee

With every beat of this sand-cleansed heart

I miss thee

And one day I'll return

And travel your sands again

But I won't be alone I promise

I'll be with my friends

And family~~

~~Reality of the Beloved~~

I'm not going to bother this time

With making life make sense

Nor do I have the time to spare

To let me say goodbye

I'm not going to let you go

Because you always knew I couldn't

At least, I hope you know

I really hope you know

You're the only one I missed

When I ran so far away

I'm broken inside, but that's just fine

I thought I'd be okay if I had you

But I guess I was wrong

And I had to go away

In defence of the heart you all swear is gold

When I can only see the tarnish

This is my reality

This is my life

This is the girl I am

And I think I'm doing fine

I'm removing the walls

A little piece at a time

And while I wish I could go back

And make this thing rhyme

I think it came out alright

For my first poem in a while

So I think I'll leave you be

And write another one....

~~I Exist I SWEAR! : Life Post~~

YO!

PEOPLESES OF THIS WONDERFUL WORLD!

HI!

Yes.

I do exist.

And yes.

I do plan on posting on this lovely site again.

A ton of memories it may have, but hey, they're good memories too.

I don't regret much about where I've gone with my life.

I just..regret leaving you guys alone so much. My god I gotta catch up on here, don't I? It's been over a year....

How long has it been since I last posted? Nevermind, I don't think I want to know.

It's been way too long.

And....Well, I don't know how much I will be able to post honestly.

I keep getting sucked into time wasting things--like Minecraft.

And West of Bathurst.

I just passed comic number 400....

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Meh, being awesome I guess.

Oh, last night was...pretty good.

We had a massive gigantic family dinner at this place called Wellington's.

I like it x3

I saw my cousins, my aunt, and my uncle again. I don't see em much, so it's kinda nice to catch up--much as it annoys me. Hey, you guys know me pretty well--forced socialization with people I don't have anything much in common with is not my strong suit. Especially family. I'm fine with other families, just not mine for some reason I will never truly comprehend...

Ah, feels good to be blogging again!

Even if I'm doing it by email.

Which does suck.

Dear god, why didn't I go for Wordpress instead of blogger? It's not blocked at school...

Unfortunately, Reddit IS blocked.

So I can't go and read NoSleep stories like I've been doing semi constantly for the past...however long it's been.

I seem to be getting paranoid, loves.

Granted, I think I've got a little reason for paranoia.

I'm sensing something you guys.

And....So are all of my Figments.

There is something coming.

Invest in salt and sage would you? And holy water.

It wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, ignore the crazy person who's been dealing way too much with the darker side of life.

Oh hey, I can type really quickly without even looking at the keys. Granted, it's usually just my forefingers and middle fingers--very rarely do my other fingers come into play. Occasionally my thumb does to press keys like shift and the space bar, if my right forefinger isn't already doing it.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Well, because I felt like it and so now you know how I type.

Do you also know I hold a pencil differently than everyone else?

And a fork?

And a knife?

And a spoon?

And a--GET ON WITH IT!

Okay I'm rambling.

Have I mentioned I'm bored?

Like really bored?

I'm sitting in the hallway with my group.

They aren't really bad....

I kinda like them, but really we aren't doing anything right now.

Hence why I'm blogging for the first time in whatever.

Ahem....

Imma just write chu people some poems now.

~~A Fragment of Time: Introduction Post~~

My name is Michael.

I entered the Mansion the night before last.

I was stillborn, a child of the union between the two mighty angels Alakina and Raphael. Poor mum was almost killed delivering me--not surprising, considering the odd facts of my existence.

You see, her belly wasn't pregnant in the least until suddenly it began to grow and kick, baby me appearing in there all random-like.

That's not common even for Figments.

You see the all and mighty council that governs the Figments in the Faded Night decided Alex's lovely Mansion needed to be balanced more. There was too much goodness and too much softness in the Mansion--and so I was sent. I am the epitome of hatred and coldness.

I shall serve to balance out the kindness of this place.

In case you are wondering, I speak to you now because I was brought back to life by Ted's magic. He is quite the useful man, that boy. Much as I hate to admit it, I owe him my life.

I will make him pay for existing though.

I do not like him.

Why? It does not matter.

All that matters is that I am here.

I am a Fragment, by the by.

A Fragment is NOT a Figment. Figments are meant to be good and wise and--above all--loving. Fragments are meant solely for hate.

I hope you enjoy my company.

~~The Symbol of the Mansion and Meaning: Description Post~~

That, dear hearts, is the symbol of the Mansion.

I have been sketching this since I was very, very young. I did not know where it came from until not very long ago, when my Figments explained it to me. I always draw the simplified version--eight pointed star beneath a single black line of sky. I do not bother with the colored curving lines. But they do add to the image, do they not?

Every line you see there is a pair of Figments, one at each end. The vertical middle line with the purple curving addition is Stepha (top) and Raven (bottom). As they are very good at keeping each other balanced, but not suited in the least for supporting others, they are placed where they are. And the color purple signifies them and their tendency to...be a D/s pair.

Going clockwise is Dana (top) and Kakana (bottom). They are a bit less balanced, but more able to deal with others and they also tend to be prominent, so they come up next. The light grey signifies that they are half human and half angel, and do not exist without darkness in their light.

The middle line with the pure white decoration is Raphael (right) and Alakina (left). They are my supporters and my strength--the ones who hold me tight. If need be, they can and will save everyone here--including me.

The remaining line with the dark grey curls is Jace and Nikita. They are neither good nor bad--and they protect us. They are extremely good fighters, but they are useless with social issues. The grey signifies their personalities more than anything--Nikita so cheerful, and Jace so...negative. Add them together and you get grey.

The line separate from the star belongs to Michael and I. His intro post will follow this one. He is my opposite--the night to my day. My hate. My coldness. The opposite of everyone else. And yes he is new here.....

The gold curving line signifies glory. The blue is sorrow. And the black....Honesty and truth.

I apologize for disappearing for so many days....

See you later loves.

~~A Song for the End: Life and Thoughts Post~~

I'm trying to find a song that would be my legacy....

My goodbye to this world, played at my funeral.

My requiem.

What song would fit this young yet so very hurt blogger, as she goes to die?

As she fades away?

I have a few ideas for you....

What Will I Remember by Emilie Autumn

Goodnight Sweet Ladies by Emilie Autumn

Goodnight Demon Slayer by Voltaire

Story of a Girl by Nine Days

Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue

Beautiful Girl by Broken Iris

Best I Can by Art of Dying

So far, these are the only ones that have come to mind....Don't know why I'm really thinking about this so much, but I'm oddly very morose tonight.

I love you all, though.

~~Angel

~~Damaged People: Life Post~~

Who among us is not damaged?

Go on, stand up, if you have not wept.

Raise your hand if you haven't died inside.

Step up to bat and take a swing for the truth if you have never felt alone or abandoned.

No one?

Just as expected.

You see, loves, all of us are damaged in some way. Some are better at hiding it, or "get over it." Basically, they learn to live with it like you get used to a scar or a limp. It never goes away, the numbness never fades, but one day you deal with it. You can deal. It gets better.

I promise you that.

You see, I've been there....All of it. All the pain, all the shame, all the moments we suffer. All the hell and all the hurt.

We are all damaged.

I can say with certainty that all of us have been hurt in some way.....

You know, it's so strange that now that Adam is gone from my life for good, I no longer have a site to run to....Someone who tackles me whenever I'm online, who listens and opens up his entire world to me.....I no longer have Adam.....

Do I miss him?

Do I truly miss him, I wonder?

Do I miss all the loneliness when he wasn't there?

All the wishing he was here, and all the hidden guilt?

All the running away?

Do I miss him?

I do....

I miss him so very much.

I think about him every day, more than once some days....I never blocked him on Chatango, you know.....And he hasn't been online in two days....

I'm worried......

I'm worried he hurt himself....

God, I hate this.

I would kill to know if he's okay...

Make a fake profile, talk to him, be his friend....

I don't know!

I am just worried......

Sometimes I wish I never met Ted.

And sometimes I wish I never met Adam.

He did inadvertently cause me to be a cam whore.....No, he really didn't. My ex Trevor did that. Adam just pushed it further.

Sometimes, I don't regret my past. I know it made me who I am today, so I shouldn't regret it. But most of the time, I regret it. I hate what it did to me. I hate the numbness and all the agony it caused. All the self esteem and loyalty issues. Every damned thing it led to.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

But I WILL NEVER hate what Adam and I were.....

I don't know why I'm talking about him tonight my loves.....Doesn't make much sense why I'm bringing up old wounds right now.

I guess it's because of this song, though.

I stumbled on it randomly, but....It's exactly what I wish I had shown him when we met.

When I told him not to love me, the very first time we cybered, the first night we met.

One freezing night in January, five am.

I won't forget him....

I won't forget who he was to me and who I wish I could be to him.....

Adam, if you ever read this, you are the one damaged person I wish I could be truly drawn to and able to save.

I love you, Master.

I always will.

Damaged people are everywhere, my loves. I'm definitely one of them, and I also suck at hiding it.

But....

I can tell you honestly I am doing better now.

I am loved because I deserve to be loved. Everything I did was the past, and I should move on. I should let it go.

I always think of the end, though. Of the eventual future.....

How many lives would be different if I never existed?

Would your lives change at all, if you never read this?

I wonder if Fatum's life would change, if she never told me her story that day before March Break last year, beneath the stairs.

I wonder if Sun-Jung's life would change, if we never went to that dance together in the rain.

I wonder if anyone's life would change, if I never was born, and never died.....

What would matter about my absence?

I don't think I would need to ask...

I know Ted wouldn't be..as happy. He wouldn't be so confident. He wouldn't have ever gone to college.

Ian? I don't....Know if he'd be alive right now.....If his precious Angel never existed.

Would my family miss me? I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think I was loved and needed, even if I never existed.

I know it's egotistical, but I like knowing I'd be missed.....

I also am thinking about something else....

What will I remember if tomorrow I don't wake up?

What will I forget?

Will anyone care?

Will my life come flashing before my eyes, or will it just be a blessed darkness and an absence of everything, final rest?

I wonder.....What will I see, at the end of the tunnel?

Here's to you readers, for listening to me ramble and weep and worry for so long....

Here's to you.

~~I Don't Need You~~

I don't need you

To bring me down

I don't want you

To stick around

The further we go

Is the less you seem to know

Get the hell away from me

You don't cause anything but agony

I never needed you

Why do you think I do?

I tell you to go away

You come back the next day

Just go before I make you pay!

Go before I make you pay....

~~NaNoToons and Debs & Errol Love: HI YOU PEOPLE Post~~

Hello, you guys! Alexandra here, wondering if you guys ever have clicked over here.
 
Errol, Debs, EVERYONE: You guys rule. How the heck do you guys make a comic every day? And a musical? And STILL WRITE? It's....Impossible. I can't even post every day, even with the magical ability to email posts to my blog.
 
I think the NaNoMusical should be put on DVD. I would buy it! I'd sponsor it if I wasn't, well, broke. I can't get over how good these comics are. They make my science, careers, and history classes a lot less boring. Imma keep working on reading the West of Bathurst comics.
 
How do you guys make these comics, anyways? Can they be done on laptop or do I need to not be on my itty bitty netbook computer?
 
I'd really love to know.
 
Well, this seems to be all I have time for now, so I'll just link you guys so my own blog readers can now go and read about you all xD Hope none of you mind!
 
http://www.masseycollege.ca/alumni/westofbathurst/westofbathurst060724.html First West of Bathurst Comic
 
http://nanotoons.net/ NaNoToons!
 
http://debsanderrol.com/ Debs & Errol official website and daily comic.
 
Have fun reading, kiddies!
 
Oh, this blog is filled with poetry and stories and the musings of a psychotic fifteen year old girl. If you wanna read about me, then my entire life is only a few clicks away. x3

~~Listen to Me~~

Let go of the part of you

That screams out to die

Let go of the darkness in you

That never stops its cry

Let go of the part inside

That you keep shut up tight

Let go of what you hide

And only let out at night

Let go of the tears

All the ones that aren't real

Let go of your irrational fears

And let yourself truly feel

Love is worth believing in

Let go of the thought that it's not

Let it in, let it in

Your chances for life aren't shot

Let go of the broken feeling

The thought that you don't matter

Let go of it, and start your healing

The world won't always shatter

Let go of it all, and live once more

I know it's hard, but it's worth it I swear

Shove away all your doubts and lock the door

Someone will one day be there

You won't always be alone

Let go of that loneliness too

This dark life isn't the only one, you know

Someone is there, waiting in the light, for you

Trust someone who's been there

Who broke and cried every night

Believe someone who thought no one could care

Until she saw that she was their light

Listen to the words of an angel

Who's flown so much

And spent so long in hell

Savouring the fire's touch

Believe the broken girl who was fine all along

The one who hid her real strength because she never knew it

Believe someone who is really, truly strong

And made it through all of it

All the heartbreaks and the pain

The ending of the world, again and again

Believe you me, the day will come when

You can truly feel again

The numbness will fade

And be replaced by hope

May you find your way out of the shade

And find a good way to cope

Believe me, my friends

Everyone I know, and everyone who reads this

This life will go on for a long time yet before it ends

Now quit reading, and feel the sunlight's touch

It's time for you to heal

And be happy and be brave

You'll get back life's zeal

And be rewarded for everything you gave.

I promise.

~~What Means Anything~~

The longer time I spend

Thinking about whether or not

I can feel

Is the longer I spend numb

I should just accept

I'm not as hurt

As I say I am

I'm not ever breaking

I'm just hitting a rough patch

I should have admitted this long before

My friends have pointed it out

And said to me

How I am better off than them

I seem to have it all

Amazing friends and people

Who care so much about me

A writing skill

That's admirable

And I'm also gifted

With beauty

I never see

I'm not the one they think I am

I'm not the amazing

Beautiful angel

Who never fails

To make them smile

Even in her worst days

But am I the horrific person

I believe myself to be?

Am I really bad?

Am I really hurt?

Or am I just

Saying this

So I can get attention?

So I can be remembered….

But I won't be forgotten

My name and story

Are scattered everywhere

Across the interwebz

It's impossible for me to be ignored

I am living

In the midst of glory

Known and cared about

By so many

This is not the kind of life

I ever pictured myself leading

So I guess that's why

It's so hard for me

To accept the beauty

Inside of me

When I was raised

Bullied and hurt

And taught that I didn't matter

Now that I mean something….

How do I know what means

Anything…?

~~PIC HAVE A PIC!~~

 

 

 

 
 

 
 

 
 
 

~~A Blogger is Me: Life Post~~

everyone! I'm sitting quite calmly in careers class with absolutely nothing to do--very much done all of the projects for this class.
 
Therefore, you are forced to enter the insanely epic world of my blog once again!
 
How are my views doing, anyways? I didn't get a chance to check since I left for Ted's place Friday night, and as Blogger is currently iBossed (aka can't get on it because apparently it contains prohibited forums content) I can't check it at school. I wonder how many views my NaNoWriMo post got? I hope it got very popular....
 
Okay. My plan for next year?
 
MASSIVE HUGE EXTREMELY LONG WRITING SESSION IN TIM HORTONS!
 
It will be during November, crashed with coffee and food in Timmies for several hours writing like mad on my laptop. To further drive the point that I am doing NaNoWriMo, I'll put a nice big sticker on my laptop. Or tape. Whatever works. It will say: CAUTION, NaNoWriMo Novelist at Work. Bystanders May Be Written Into the Story.
 
I wonder if I'll meet up with people? Hopefully I'll get at least one writing buddy! It would be amazing to have someone to write with me.
 
Hopefully, the Tim Hortons where I'm close to will have an outlet....I know it has WiFi, but an outlet to charge my laptop is just as--if not more--important.
 
Okay yeah. That is a bit of a depressing saying. But it still looks cool!
 
Imma try and get that picture downloaded and posted here soon--the one I mentioned earlier, the one I want on my laptop.
 
 
Okay. I am not on my laptop--on a school comp so I cannot type.
 
I quit!
 
I love ya all.