~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

~~Jaded--Memories Post~~

I was listening to a song today, one I haven't heard in forever. It's called Jaded, and it's by MEST. One of my old punk rock bands, and I haven't even listened to them in forever.

However, this one song....Completely and utterly fit the mood for today.

Here, I have an idea....

Italics are the song lyrics, and the regular font is whatever I have to say about it, okay?


There's a time and place, for everything.
There's a reason why, certain people meet.
There's a destination, for everyone.
What's the explanation, when we're done?
This seems very true. Everything has a meaning, everything has a reason behind it. I constantly search for reasons, and try to be happy with the ones I find. I know I met Ted because I was meant to. I know this happened because it was meant to. I know I'm running to my destination--a bookstore, a peaceful life....But why? I will never know.

All the summer nights spent wondering;
So many questions asked, but no one's answering.
Would it be okay if I left today?
Took my chances on what you said was wrong?
I have asked so many questions in my life. "Why me?" "Why now?" "Is God real?" "Am I crazy?" "Will I be able to live without (insert name here)?" "Will I get through this?" "Is any of this worth it?" "What's for dinner tonight?" And my answers....No one ever answers. No one ever answers but me. Life has no answers. Life has no explanations, because life is life. About the third and fourth lines....I am asking. I'm not planning on leaving, but....Would it be okay if I up and went? I doubt it...For either of our sakes. I'm too loved, and I love you too much.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
I'll never regret these years.
I'm jaded, stupid, and reckless. That first line of the chorus made me fall in love with this song. I'm hurt and scarred and I'm still not wise enough to get over my mistakes. I'm depressed and worried and broken and hurt. I've made a lot of mistakes. Hurt a lot of people. And I'm not sorry. I made my choices, and...And I stand by them, to the very end. I'll never regret these years, as regret is both useless, and because if I changed what my past is, I'd change me. I don't want to do that. I have my problems and my pain, but I don't regret who I am. I hope I never do.

Now here I sit, so far away.
Remembering all our memories.
Its times like these that I miss you most,
Remembering when we were so close.
I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, texting Ted and listening to Jaded. I'm thinking, thinking a lot....About who I left behind. I miss you, Adam E. My Wolfy. I miss you, Adam. My Master. I miss you, Elaine, my sister. I miss you Athena, my friend. I miss you Saira, my sister. I miss you, Ridd and Yuu, some of my best friends. I miss you, Emily. I won't ever forget you. I miss you, Alexander. I will always miss you. Simon, I miss you..I hope you're okay. I wish we were still friends. Mckayla, I miss you. I wish we talked more, but....I don't know what to say any more. I just don't know....I miss you....I miss all of you.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, we'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
Read the other one for this, lol.

I'll never forget the places we've been, you and I.
Our lives are slipping away.
Don't want to let time pass us by, byyyyyyy...
I'll never forget everything I've done with my friends, current or past. I won't forget, I'll cling to those memories....I love you, and I know all too well how fast time seems to soar by. One year ago today, I was so very different. So much had yet to happen....I don't want to wallow too much in the past, though. I need to get my future in shape before I can bother regretting the past.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years....
...spent, so faded and reckless,
Not sorry, and I'll never regret...
I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
This song....It's perfect for today. I'll never forget these years spent so faded and reckless. I'm faded now, a bit less bright than I used to be. But, now...I'm also so much brighter. So much happier. My world is BETTER. My world is EASIER. My world is HAPPIER. My world has Ted in it. My world has Sun-Jung in it. My world has Fatum in it. My world has Patience in it. My world has Jen in it. My world is an amazing place.

I'm lucky, to have the life I have. I should never forget that. I am really smart, I'm creative, I dress well, I'm cute, I got an inch or so taller, my family has enough money to take me on trips, and I am an amazingly good writer with a good future ahead of me. I have a hell of a past, but that just means I'll have a hell of a future. Am I scared? A little, but....Who isn't frightened of the future? The environment might just be massively screwed up, and there isn't much a little girl like me can do about it. I'm not as influential as I like to believe. And all of the things with homophobia? If it doesn't stop spreading, I could be in danger--as well as some of my friends.

But...

I'll get through it. I know I will.

The title of this blog is: Behind the Diamond Curtain.

Do you know what that metaphor means?

It means that, behind the strength and happiness and anime fan girl-ness and insanity and awesomeness and gamer girl coolness, is someone hurt and broken and damaged.

But that girl? The one I hide?

She's getting better, too. Love for her is getting easier to handle. She still has a lot of issues, but she's going to get better.

I'll be okay.

I love you, kiddies...

I always will.

Thank you for everything, my amazing readers.

Felice anniversario.

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