~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

~~I Can't Seem to Write: Life Post and Scattered Thoughts~~

Ach!

I am so not sure what I'm doing.

I can't seem to focus on anything right now.....

But I really and truly do want to write a ramble, a rant. Some of my good stuff. Better than these rather meaningless life posts that I'm actually almost ashamed to crank out so often.

But what is there to write?

I'm no philosophy student here, my dearest loves.

I ain't taking that class, nor can I make it into the social justice and environmental justice clubs at school. My schedule didn't work out that way.

So what forms of inspirations do I have, other than what I manage to read?

I recently finished reading Dean Koontz' novel "The Voice of the Night," and I have a lot of things to say about it.

Without revealing ANY plot, I'll give you the basis of my thoughts on this.

Basically, this amazingly suspenseful novel leads to this: The good and the bad is in all of us, and all of us make mistakes. We can learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes if society allows it, but if society forces the blame onto us we will accept it and we will BECOME what they say. All of us are changed by society....All of us are caused to become what society thinks, no matter what.

The world is harsh and cold, to all of us.

Society will break us.

Family will break us.

Everything will break us.

We will be forced into the pigeon holes of the world, crammed into moulds that just don't fit, and the only way for us to fit them is for the parts inside of us to be broken.

And, once we're broken, we never get all of our pieces back.

We remain broken within, knowing nothing but the brokenness and the pain masquerading as whole and happy. Everyone is victims of this.

Everyone is a victim.

Society destroys everyone, in one way or another.

Damn, mankind....I hate mankind....

Mankind....

When you boil down everything, let go of every major belief, thought, and selfish cause, the meaning behind everything and the driving force of this world is the continuation of whatever species we belong to.

It's birth.

We as a species were evolved from animals, and we are no better than animals.

Do you honestly think that other species don't communicate?

That, even though even though we do not understand their language, they do not have one?

Everything communicates with itself, with the surrounding world, and with others of its kind.

Whether or not that communication is understood fully is irrelevant. It is still communication. Still a message sent.

So who's to say animals are really anything different from us?

Just on a different level.

More basic, but in other ways, a lot smarter.

I think a lot about animals....

I like animals.

Ted is very, very good with animals.....He also loves them a lot. Honestly, whenever I see him with his dog Cosmo, I think: "A boy and his dog. This guy is definitely someone I can raise kids with."

And now I'm talking about Ted.

Oh yay an Iced Capp!

You know, I love coffee....

I need coffee.

I know it occasionally gives me caffeine crashes so I try not to drink it too much, but...It still is delicious and soothing.

I'm trying to find some new music....

Something to put my mind to ease, and I think this song helps me out quite a bit....


It fits my mind, and my creations.

I fight to write because it seems like everything slips from me, loses meaning. I write quickly because otherwise the thought's gone, and it's not ever coming back....

I need to write, otherwise I....I won't know who I am.

Ian told me I gave him his favourite quote, from ~~To Love is to Hurt: Life Post~~ on Sept. 9th. I'll copy it here: "I'm gonna live. Live as much as I can. Love as much as I can. No regrets. A million scars. I'll be fine, cuz that's all I'll ever be."

Now that I read it again....It is true.....And it is good.

It says: I've suffered, I've hurt, and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've paid for those mistakes, and the pain won't ever fade. I've learned, though, and I'm not going to stop living just because of the pain. I'm still going to try and live my life, love everyone I can, and I'll be okay because I'm too damned strong to break.

I'm too damned strong to break....

I don't know what I regret.

I regret...I regret a few things, but it's useless so I forget them....

And besides, if I hadn't done those things I regret now, I wouldn't be me.

And....I love who I am....

God, it's hard to say that right now....

I don't know why, but....I still wish....Some parts of my past were different.

It hurts....Being me.

Remembering the things that happened.

Regretting the things that I've done.

And it hurts even more to love the wrong things that, even though they were good, hurt me in the end.

So much of this world causes me pain...

I wonder if I'll one day regret this blog, making my life so very public.

There are a massive amount of things here I should be ashamed of.

A lot of deeds done and pains suffered that I should be ashamed to admit.

My past is dark, and my future is likely just as filled with pain and painful truths and confessions.

And there are secrets here that I don't entirely want the people I know in real life to find out without me telling them first....

But...

I also don't want to leave this place now that I'm here.

My cam whore life.....

It was a short time, you know.

Only a few months....

And.....And it's done with.

I bear scars, and issues with my self esteem, as well as shame.....

I don't like admitting entirely the things I've gone through and done.

But it's over with now, and every scar I bear is a part of me, who I am....

I wouldn't be me without my past.

I wouldn't be me without my scars.

I'd be....Normal.

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