~~Did I Get Well, Did I Get Well?--Life Post~~

I've been trying to recover from who I was.

A liar who sought drama and trouble with no self control. Who lied and made up drama when there was none in her life just so she could get attention.

And I just want to know if I've grown up or not.

I think I have, but I'm scared to know....

I'm scared to know.

I've gotten better but as time passes and I'm stuck between Master Adam and Master Ted, I doubt I've changed. I'm giving them as much as I can give but the loneliness and the hollowness isn't helping much. I know I should choose but....One fills my needs in ways the other can not.

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well....

Did I get well, did I get well....?

I want to be okay my loves.

I want to be sane.

I want to be someone worth loving.


I want to be someone deserving of all the worshipping touches, the soft sweet looks and touches, and the arms so tightly wrapped around me when I'm crying. I want to be deserving of the people who trust me enough to cry in my arms.

And until I'm better, I won't be deserving of it.

So right now, I'm scared.

Am I still a member of the suicidal recital?

Am I still shrieking for attention?

Did I get well?

Did I get well?

I'm lying in bed, shivering more from the cold inside than from the chill of the fan that barely serves to beat back the summer heat, staring out the window at the night as it slowly darkens. I'm feeling the world rock underneath me--my body's still used to the movements of the houseboat. I feel the tears form in my eyes, but I'm not going to let them fall. I've cried too much as it is, even though the last time I truly cried was a long time ago. I'm afraid, so afraid....But I just can't stop fighting now, can I?

I'm tired and hurt.

Love for Ian, something that has been growing for a long time now, has been halted by both his will and mine. He has Ashley in real life. I have Ted in real life. Neither of us need any more complications, and even though we both agree we would have been a hell of a couple, we just can't be. Maybe not ever, even though both he and I choose to believe in reincarnation.

Love is a curse for Angels like me.

God it's so true...

It's a curse, an addiction, but I can't get enough.

I need love....

I need to feel loved, to give love....

Even if love is just lust, I need it....

And I want it all...


"Three words don't mean shit to me
There's only one that matters in my world you see
you can keep giving me, keep giving me more more more
I still won't be yours...." I Want It All, by Dangerous Muse

"I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content, stay where you are but it hurts like help
And I'm sure it's fun at first, test your pulse and test your vitals
If it's only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital..." Get Well by Icon for Hire