~~Your Conscience is a Feint--Thoughts Post~~

God...

Who am I?

I just don't know....

The more I think, the more I feel, the more confused I become. The more I try to understand the more the simple facts stare me in the face--the simple facts I can't bring myself to accept as truth, as reality. The things I refuse to say are true. The things I lie about, refuse to accept, swear to God are lies and misconceptions.

But I know myself too well for them to be misconceptions, and I'm way past lying to myself.

You see, I realized quite a few things about myself.

They can all be summed up in one glorious sentence: I'm nothing but a lie.

My entire life, my Angel name....

Everything is fake.

I'm not who I say I am.

I'm not that good.

I refuse to look past my faults to see the beauty, simply because the faults more than outweigh the things good about me.

I'm not beautiful.

I'm not me.

When I left my online world, I didn't cry.

When I abandoned so many people, there was only a faint ache, a bare memory. Not even a scar.

And....And I wonder why I speak so much, show my wounds.

Bare my arms and reveal my scars.

I guess it's cuz I need to--on here, people know about me, but they can't change a thing about me. They can't even reply to this, to tell me how they feel about me. They just can't.

So that's the glory of a blog I guess--telling everything and being told nothing.

A complete mind dunk tank.

Inside of me there's my diamond wall, still as strong as it was the day I built it, and I don't know who, if any, have slipped past it.

But god....

I don't even know if what I write here is true.

Do I care about people?

Am I really an Angel, who I claim to be?

Will I ever know?

Someone told me I didn't love Ted. Well, at least not as much as he loved me. That I was leading him on and just using him, and I should let him go.

But she doesn't know me.

She doesn't know all of my past.

She doesn't know about him and me.

She doesn't know....

She can't know.

She was a relatively new friend of mine, someone I had sought help from. All she managed to do was scare the shit out of me and annoy the fuck out of me. Can we do a victory dance? ~_~'

I'm scared kiddies.

I've always been scared.

And I always will be.

The question will always be this: What am I scared of?

Could I be scared of......me?

I love you.

Forever kiddies forever.

Now wish me luck in this cruel cold cell we call home.....

Be well and safe darlings.