~~Let's Face It--Life Post~~

I can't avoid the truth any more. I can't avoid admitting it. Damn the consequences--I need to write it here.

I was a cam whore for a few weeks. I cammed with almost anyone who asked, and my Master was the one to teach me a lot of things. I would use a Sharpie on myself, along with other things, and I would show myself entirely to the eyes of others, seeking to please them. I am done with that now, but a lot of me is still afraid to admit it. Thanks to Ian and Ted, along with others, I am done being a cam whore. It was a long time ago, and I think I'm done hiding that truth.

I have been dead inside for a long time now. I no longer know what I am feeling--there is a sense of emptiness inside me, and not much more beyond that. I know that it could be something to do with teen angst but....But I think my problems go deeper. After going through as much as I have, it is possible that I have been rendered almost entirely unable to feel.

I have dated countless guys, but there were only a few I really cared about: Master, Adam, Emily, Alexander, and Dylan. And now Ted. And in between them there was drama and pain and fakeness and lies, a loss of self, of respect, and of hope. I was turning into a victim and now...guess what? I'm a submissive with Ted. He is the full-on Dominant in our relationship. Is anyone else not surprised by this?

And I'm still afraid I'm not healed.

Well, how could I be healed?

In the past year, I don't think I have gone a full month without being in a relationship. I don't think I had even three days between most relationships--fuck, some of them were going on simultaneously. That's how bad it was. I was hot, naughty, kind, sweet, good, supportive, kinky, submissive, and loving--catnip for everyone out there. And young--so older guys liked me quite a bit.

I cannot even begin to describe how much pain I am in.

And how am I supposed to get over people while I'm also attempting to return the feelings of someone I'm with? I have never had the time. Never had the chance. Always I've been required to be the Angel, to step up and go above, go beyond myself to save another. Always I've tried. ALWAYS. And now, when I need someone most, who is there for me?

Who is there for me but me?

Let's face it, I need time for myself. I need to heal, find myself again, and...and face up to everything that's happened. I'm making progress in accepting it all, but...accepting is only one step down the path to recovery. I don't know what the rest of the steps are....

I'm scared to leave Ted. I'm scared to hurt him and I'm scared to hurt myself.

I don't know what to do, but all I know is that I need to heal.

And healing takes time.

Can he heal me, or do I need to heal myself?

I just don't know anymore kiddies--I truly don't.

For now, let's see where this crazy life takes me, m'kay?

Au revior.