~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

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Monday, January 30, 2012

I Still Love You Today (I'm Sorry)

Hey...Just me, an ex who maybe you forget
I guess it's a guarantee that most of you
Don't care any more about me
I know I was a long time ago
But I still remember you
Dylan, I still love you
Emily, I still love you
Tolga, I still love you
Alexander, I still love you
Shade, I still love you
Adam, I still love you.....
Yeah....Adam and me broke up
Two days ago
On our one week anniversary
Yeah....On our one week anniversary he broke up with me
Why? He had good reasons I guess.....
He told me he couldn't take
Not being able
To see me every day
And he also knew
I deserved
A lot better than him
But I can't let him go
I'll always
Love him
So I can't let him go
But he was
The last boyfriend
For a long time......
I'm sorry
For hurting you, all of you
I'm sorry
For not being able to heal
I'm sorry
For hurting myself
I'm sorry
For those pills I took
I'm sorry
For making you think I'm killing myself
I'm sorry
For all the lies I've told
I'm sorry
For every false sweet word I've spoken
I'm sorry
For not fighting to save you
I'm sorry
For telling you to go
I'm sorry
For all these months I've led you on
I'm sorry
For everything I've done
I'm sorry
For hurting you
I'm sorry
I'm so damn sorry.......

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Sergalion Religion

Within the darkness, there are those who worship it, and follow their Goddess. They are given their freedom to do whatever they want and their beliefs and selves are not exploited--they are far freer than many others. They want the destruction of their enemies and of all Light, and all they desire is to serve their Goddess, Rain Silves. She is the last of her kind, but she is also the first, as she restarted her entire race and led them in the battle against the Light that had entered her universe. Over the course of a few thousand years she conquered every planet she could get to, despite her planet's inhabitants being basically primitives in comparison to her. She is a powerful General, a cold-hearted ruler, and an amazing leader.

Those who follow her have their freedom to do and say whatever they desire, as long as they worship no one but their Goddess and do not speak a word against her. The Sergalions are Beings of Darkness, who hate the sunlight for no reason despite it being something they feel in their bones. My friend Domenic is one of them, and it is because of him that I am writing this post, and to contact him with questions email him at sakrodu@hotmail.de.

What I have written here is just a very brief overview of one of the most amazing religions I have ever heard of. To learn more, contact Domenic with questions and also download the Scriptures of the Sergalion at http://sergalion.de.to/

Friday, January 27, 2012

Questions and Answers--Life Post

Q. If you had a choice to be with Adam, Saquan, Shade, Will, Trevor, Alexander, Stephanie, one of the many others, or someone in real life, what would you choose?
A. I would in a heartbeat choose Adam. No matter where he is, no matter how far away, I will always love him and I will wait for as long as it takes. He is perfect for me....

Q. What is your biggest regret about your online life?
A. That I can never seem to stop complaining about it. I figured out recently that I have four lives: School life, social life, private life, and online life. And all four of them, while being far from perfect, are definitely amazing. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Q. Do you miss Emily?
A. Not much to be honest....I mean.....I guess a part of me won't ever be able to let her go, but now that she's gone, I am truly better off. I wish her luck in life, wherever she is and wherever she goes.

Q. In your opinion, how much danger is your online life?
A. I have heard the horror stories, spoken to people who've been through a thousand things worse than I have. And yes I've gone through hell and made my mistakes, mistakes I'll make again, but I don't regret what I've done and I doubt my life could ever be ruined because of this life I've led.

Q. Have you ever cut or attempted to cut?
A. I have attempted to cut but that was only once, a long long time ago, and it will never happen again.

Q. Have you ever wanted to die?
A. No I honestly haven't....I've wished I could escape from everything, but I never wanted to die. I know that would hurt too many people and perhaps cause collateral damages--people like Adam who might just either follow me into death or break.

Q. Who would you die for?
A. Adam and Domenic. If it came to a choice between them suffering more than they could stand or me losing everything and dying, I would choose to sacrifice myself to make them smile. Adam is my world and life, and Domenic is my brother, and I would choose him over everything else.

Q. What is your biggest overall regret?
A. Falling so hard so many times....I wish I had been more careful.....But my heart was shattered and now I'm loving Adam with the pieces, not with everything I am, because I don't have that anymore.

Q. Can you cope with whatever comes your way?
A. Hell's yes I can. I'm diamond and I can't be broken. Kiddies, how much hell have I gone through? A freaking lot. How much hell will I go through? A lot more. I can deal. I won't ever break and I won't ever bend. I'm done with complaining--I'm amazing and so is my life.

Q. Who do you love?
A. Adam........No one else because I've given up on everyone else who said they love me. I know they cared but I've been cared about too much, so now I'm just going to love him and him alone.

Q. Do you love yourself?
A. Dude I'm beyond amazing. At least according to a lot of people I know, whether I know them in real life or not. If everyone thinks that, then there has to be some truth behind it, right? And I'm the first to call myself a loser, awesome, weird, crazy, or insane. So I pretty much love myself xD I know who I am and there isn't a thing I'd change about me.

Q. Will you marry Adam when you're eighteen?
A. Erm...Uh....OH LOOK A DISTRACTION!!! *Tosses a cookie to the reader.* LOL xD Okay yeah.....I think I will but I don't wanna think too much long term, especially when him and me live 1,829 km apart....

Q. Will you always continue to post on this blog?
A. I'll do my best. I'm planning on keeping it until high school ends.....And then we'll see. I don't want to leave you guys but I don't feel like staying in the same place, not even online. I love you all for sticking with me through hell and high water, but I might start up a new blog one day, or maybe stop posting altogether....We'll see.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Greetings From A Girl on the Go--Life Post

Hey hey hey!!! Have you guys all forgotten me? I seriously hope not. Well, loves, I'm going to apologize right now for my absence, and warn you that it will most likely continue. I'm going to give you a list of things that have happened, before I disconnect from the internet for the next little while and finish and edit my novel.

1. My boyfriend Shade is female and completely and utterly gone without goodbyes
2. I may have aced both days of EQAO
3. My English exam was today and I may have aced it as well
4. I'm off school until next semester
5. Saquan really does only like me as a friend, even though he wishes he could love me
6. Everyone who has been giving me issues romantically has stopped doing so
7. I am now dating Adam who revealed to me that he was always bi and has had a crush on me for five weeks
8. I couldn't be happier with him
9. We have spoken on the phone twice now and on Skype, once alone and once with Domenic
10. I have realized one of my new best friends lives relatively close to me (I wanna meet him! D: )
11. I possess Adam's mailing address so I want to send him things
12. Adam will be sending me gifts too :D
13. I might be going Goth
14. I really am insane but there is no bullying at school, so I am left alone
15. I'm going to miss my school friends a lot....Especially Sheila and Krista and out awesome table in art class

I'm gonna go now kiddies....Sorry for my absence and that it will be continued.

Love you all!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Within--Thoughts Post

Focusing my thoughts on trying to write this post....I haven't been doing very well my loves. But I do believe that maybe I'll be okay.....Within us, what is there? Is there anything inside us? How many of us don't feel anything at all, but pretend that we do?How many of us lie when we say that we're okay? How many of us?

I've felt empty since Emily. I doubt I will ever heal, but it does fade. It does fade. I've been fighting it for so long that I guess I'm used to it now, and I know that I will find my way to heal one day. All of us will.

So many of my friends feel this way now.....I'm kinda afraid to ask the others, for fear that I realize that ALL of us feel that way. I don't want us to! I want mankind as a whole to be good and kind and FEELING, but that is impossible when we could all be empty inside.

Within us.....

Who do we lie more to?

Ourselves, or others?

I would have to say ourselves. We have greatly hurt ourselves, and we always will hurt ourselves, there is no getting around it.

I love you world but......I need to get some sleep.......

Love you so much.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Welcome to the Club--Life Post

Welcome to the club of empty ones.......How many of us are there now? Domenic and I seem to be the main ones I know of.......There are definitely a lot more of us out there. And oh how much trouble we can cause when we put our minds to it.......!

Emptiness surges inside, erases all we've tried to hide, but who cares any more, now that they've locked that door?

Welcome to the Suicide Club my friends, where the love never ends, but you know it's never real and it's all a search to feel.

And it's all just a lie, but who cares if we're only gonna die, who cares to change, the things that won't rearrange?

I loved writing those quick little poems but sadly I don't have any time tonight..........Gotta work on homework loves.

See ya.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Don't Bother--Poem and Its Inspiration

Don't bother worrying....You know I can deal
Don't bother trying to protect me.....I'm not real
Don't bother loving me....I'll only cause you pain
Don't bother thinking it's over.....I'll only do it again
Don't bother wondering why I still live....I can't be broken
Don't bother praying.....There's no one who will listen
Don't bother asking for freedom...You'll never get it
Don't bother with anything but yourself.....You're the only one that matters

I've been feeling this way lately--a bit heartless, trying to balance my four lives: Online, school, personal, and social. And I don't know how well I'm balancing them......Online is taking things over. Losing time for school work, for reading and writing, but my friend life seems to be at its normal part of well zero. I have my gang and they really are all I need: Tessa, Alex P, Sun-Jung, and Fatame. And Vanessa and David I guess as well.

I am happy enough with my life. I can balance it. My online gang consists of Domenic and Adam--the others can go bugger off.

I am going to be okay loves........

Don't worry about me.

Monday, January 16, 2012

On the Road--Life Post

So how are you doing? I hope all of my readers out there have been doing well......

Your young blogger has been eventful as always. I am very happily single and I intend to remain single. Unless there's someone in real life with intentions to make me theirs, I am remaining single.

But whatever happened to Shade/William and the crowd of other boys and girls online? Nothing. Blocked one, and the others are sticking around. I can deal with them. I'll just need to try and be careful....

Which, as all of you know, isn't precisely my strong suit. But either way I do believe I am fine. I'm going to move on with my life and try to forget about the ones who love me online and focus on the friendships. Of which I have many.

Right now dear readers I am still dead inside. Right now dear readers I am still doing things I know I shouldn't do. But right now I know I am on the road to recovery, bit by bit, but I am getting there.

I will be okay loves.

I will be okay.

Fool.

Listen, try and believe this wild story that I weave
Settle down and pay attention to every word I say
I know I have given you great cause to grieve
But today is the day that you make me pay
I am a fool, someone who plays
With her toys, their hearts, their souls
I don't care what anyone else says
With my eyes I leave many wholes
Foolish love and playful games
Easily winning them over--now to cause trouble and pain
Of course I act like this shames
But then I simply go and do it again
Fools don't love me! Back away already
Don't you see what I am?
Don't you dare fall for me.....
Every word I speak is a sham.
Every kiss. Every action. Every little thing
I'm a liar and that's all I can be
And this addictive siren song that I sing?
You adore how it causes you agony
Might I ask which one of us is the bigger fool?
Is it the one playing and breaking hearts?
Or is it the one who breaks the biggest rule
And lets themselves be hit with my poison darts?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Grown

You've gotten older....
You've gotten colder.
Your eyes have seen so much....
What sin have you yet to touch?
Your body may be young
But what haven't you done?
Sometimes you grow up so fast
Innocence isn't something that can last
So why pretend?
Let this end
Fall into my arms
You like this harm
You know you do.....
I will shape you.

Wishes and Dreams--Life Post

Greetings--me again, appearing out of nowhere after a couple days away. I believe I do not know what there is to say or do. You see, I realized that I was being rather closely watched by my family members. And that they were making sure I wasn't getting myself into too much trouble. Apparently some of them believe I cut and some of them believe I will commit suicide. Believe you me, all my faithful readers, I will not. I am clean of scars. I have never cut. See? *Turns over my arms and pushes up both my sleeves.* I honestly have never broken skin. All the self harming I have done was done with a elastic band which left no permanent marks and to be fully honest I never understood its attraction. Sometimes I enjoyed the pain but it never was entirely my thing. I have seen what it does to people. I have seen everything that has happened. And I do not wish it to happen to me.


I know that I have said some frightening things. I know that I have said many a time that I wished I could just give up. But every time I say those things--did you ever wonder how much I meant them? I do not mean them. I am honestly so greatly hurt by all the things that have happened, but I can and will deal with everything that has come my way and that will come. I require nothing from my readers and from quite a few of my friends--I am extraordinarily strong on my own. I am an amazing fourteen year old girl--do you ever doubt that? Don't doubt it for an instant.


I know I get myself into trouble sometimes but there are things that you need to know.......Currently I might be 'involved' with people online but I am treating myself like I am single. Alexander was the LAST person I will get attached to online. I made that promise and I will keep it.


The ones who love me: Stephanie, Saquan, Will, Trevor, Shade, Luke, and Danny.


The ones who consider me to be like family to them: Simon, Adam, Domenic, Courtney, Amanda, Saira, Melony, and a handful of others.

The ones I love: None.

And I consider Domenic and Adam to be my brothers.

The others? No.........I do not care as much about them for some reason. Amanda and Saira? Eh.......I guess they could be considered my sisters but it's Domenic and Adam who are the true members of my family. The others I just can't care about for whatever reason. My fault? Or theirs? I do not know and to be truly honest I could care less. I love Adam and Domenic to the depths of my soul. I would do ANYTHING for them. I would kill for them in a heartbeat, die for them in three. I mean that as honestly as I can.

Domenic wishes to move in with me. He's always dreamed of getting the heck out of Germany--he hates its society, the people there......He wants to be here so he can help me get better and also because I'm definitely a true member of his family. And he also has another reason--he's in love with a friend of mine who lives around here. So he wants to meet her.

Adam and me...........No real guarantees of us meeting but I hope we can one day. I love him very much. And earlier he told me that if I died for whatever reason he'd follow me. Very sweet, don't you think? I guess I can't blame him. I can't stop him either. I'm the only reason he's alive so when I'm gone why not let him die?

What are my wishes and dreams? I only want strength and I only want love.

All I want and all I ask for.

And it's also all I have.

I will be alright. Do not worry about me.

And oh yes--I am considering making this blog perhaps a bit less....personal. Maybe more on subjects largely unrelated to my life?

Nah, I guess it's a little late now to change everything.

I need to go and get filming but I have a little treat: A picture of Adam. Scars edited out.

He is pretty cute........Bye kiddies. 


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Why Love?

Why listen when
There's no one speaking?
Why cry when
There's no one worth crying for?
Why fight when
There's no one left to care?
Why dream when
There's only nightmares left?
Why scream when
There's no one who will hear?
Why mourn when
There's nothing inside you to feel?
Why hide when
There's no one who can't see you?
Why care when
There's nothing left to care about?
Why worry when
There's nothing worth it?
Why grieve when
There are no tears left to cry?
Why love when
There's no one and nothing left?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Only Through the Pain

You can't fight.......You can't turn away
Suffer through my needs and wants, this is the game we play
I need you to please me
You need me for the agony
What I give is worth what I do
And I know you love me as much as I love you
So close your eyes...
Swallow your sighs....
Give up and let me in.....
This isn't something you can win....
Kiss me....
Tease me......
Don't you dare fight back or tell me no
You're addicted, you can't let me go.......
Let me be your secret lover........
Let me be your black winged saviour........
Let me belong to you......
Let me hold you........
I will make you scream....
And no.....This is not a dream.
Only through the pain.....
Will you feel alive again.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Online Love--Possible or Not? (Cybering, Webcam Chats, Lack of Picture, Unknown Information, False Personas, Connections, Friendships, Families, and Trust)


          Of all the people I know, I am the one who should be writing this post….I’m the one who has gone through so much online. I have gone through quite a bit, far more than it is possible to ever say….This will be a very long post kiddies, so settle in, grab a coffee, and get ready to read and keep right on reading.

CYBERING
          So kiddies, do I need to really explain what it is? It’s cyber sex loves. Something pretty freaking common. If you didn’t know about it, than hey don’t worry. I’ve had a psychotic online life and I can’t expect all of you guys to be the same way…..
          A lot of people don’t think it means anything……A lot of people just think it’s something to do, something to turn you on, something fun. But I have to disagree—in an online relationship, it means the same thing as the real thing. Of course it has faintly less meaning, and just because a couple will cyber doesn’t mean they will do the same thing in real life, but yet it does mean something. It’s a way to show and prove love, and yes if you’re dating someone, online or in real life, you cannot cyber with anyone else. Cybering definitely means a lot.
          And for those of you who don’t know how? Well….I’ll show ya. *Kisses William hard, pressing close to him, wrapping my arms around him tightly, sighing into his lips.*
          That is basically how you cyber. And dudes I’ve gotten way more experience with it than I wanna say. -_-‘ And no I was not going to actually show you more than that, it was just a bit of an example.

WEBCAM CHATS
          Webcams are, without contest, some of the best things ever invented. Webcams allow people across the globe to talk, to laugh, to smile, and to finally see each other’s face, whether for the first time or the thousandth. They keep people connected, they let lovers see each other, they let friends play Truth or Dare, and they also let other things to happen.
          People do things using webcams. I’m going to let you figure out just what….With this section following one on cybering, I think it shouldn’t be too difficult to guess. And sure it’s all good fun.
          Thanks to webcams, I have realized my online German friend Domenic sounds Australian somehow. Thanks to webcams, me and my first love Savior got to hear each other’s voices for the first time and he got to hear my laughter—which he loved so much. Thanks to webcams love and friendship is so much stronger despite all the distance between us.
          The only problems with webcams are the fact that sometimes it’s so hard to get the internet working well enough and sometimes it hurts so much to see but not touch…..It just shows you even more what you don’t have.
          So webcams….They are amazing things. But they sometimes cause much more harm than good. It all depends on the people and the relationships between them. With friends it’s easier, but when you’re in love, webcams hurt….

LACK OF PICTURE
          So let’s swing in the opposite direction, shall we? I covered the pros and cons of being able to see and hear each other, so let’s swing into the very opposite….Not having the faintest idea on what the other looks like.
          It’s not easy……It’s really not easy. I guess that, without knowing the other’s face, your feelings are entirely based on their personality and their soul not on their face or body, which means that there could definitely be a much deeper connection than there would be if you could see them. And if you’re afraid that they won’t love you because of how you look, I guess that you will have your reasons behind not showing your face, but it is still not easy.
          Look, I know that there are liars, creeps, pedophiles and the like out there. I know that it is important to have faith in the ones you love for them to be who they say they are. I know that knowing what is inside someone is more important than knowing what’s outside them.
          But no I do not think that being in a relationship without being able to see their faces is a good idea…..
          I cannot tell you what to do, dearest readers. I’m only stating my opinion.

UNKNOWN INFORMATION
                   There will always be things you don’t know about the one you love, whether online or in real life. There will always be parts of their past they won’t share, there will always be tiny things they won’t ever admit. There will always be some things you just never know….
          But online the amount of unknown things increase….Things like location and other things aren’t so readily shared or known. In a real life relationship it’s pretty easy to find out if someone has a dog or cat, what kind of music they usually listen to, what kind of car they drive, where they like to go, their favorite movies. You can pretty easily find out about all of that without even having to ask. But online? You really need to ask them all of that, or maybe they’ll tell you without needing to be asked.
          But that definitely does not always happen.

FALSE PERSONAS
          And online……..Sometimes you never show all of yourself, and sometimes the person you show online really isn’t you. Or, at least, not all of you. How easy it is to change writing styles, create a fake life, a fake background. And if you’re good enough you can fool anyone with it. And if you have enough skill you can work it so you can PROVE you’re not the false persona. How? By talking together and interacting with each other.
          I have done that. I do that a lot.
          False personas always work best if they have something in common with you and their own stories. Unless they will be completely separate from you and your social circle, it’s important to give reasons as to why you know each other and why no one else does. And don’t have you and your false persona living in the same place…..It just does not work at all. Too many difficulties arise from people wanting to meet your false persona.
          So….False personas are definitely a common thing. Someone fell in love with my false persona and I had to completely erase her a few weeks ago to avoid causing any more drama or being found out to be her. And I doubt anyone will ever realize the truth. Why? Because, if you’re smart, you can manage to have several false personas going at the same time.
          The point behind me saying all of this is to show you how easy it truly can be to lie and be someone else online. There is no proof that you don’t love a false persona.
          But…….Just because a fake persona is different from the real self doesn’t mean that everything is different. The feelings the fake persona feels can be very easily shared by the real person. I actually got jealous of my false persona for a while….

CONNECTIONS
          So far I have stated the bad sides of all of this, showing how hard it is sometimes to hit a deep level with someone you have never met.
          But now it’s time for you to show how easy it is.
          Oh god so many things I have said and done online I never would have done in person….Online you can say and do so many things without fear. You will never meet these people so why worry about whether or not they’ll like the real you? Why not just…be the real you and let them judge you?
          Online I am me. Online I do not worry about being crazy, about being hurt or laughed at. Online I am the real me, not the person everyone in person sees. It is so very easy to be free and know you are free.
          Hitting a deep connection with someone online happens fast. If both of you open up to the other, and find a common ground, the things that can happen….You can be so honest. You can open up entirely. You can be everything you wish you were. And of course, if you meet in real life, things will be a lot different but they will be much better because of the amount of connections you already possess. Things are so different online than in person….
          Are they better though? Or are they worse?
          I believe they are perhaps better, but only because of my experiences with people in real life. The connections are different than in real life, but they are still worth while. And they are definitely true, no matter what.

FRIENDSHIPS
          This section deserves to be written. There are many different kinds of love, and one of them is friendship. Online friends are amazing things to have. And if you find ones amazing enough, they will mean so much to you, and they will truly be your friends. Some of mine have gone very far for me, and one of them is moving here to stay with me because he knows I need him here. And besides it gets him out of Germany.
          These friends that you make online are hard to compare to the ones you make in real life. It’s hard for an online friend to be the same things that a real life one is, but it is also just as hard for a real life friend to be the same things a real life one is. Some of my online gang knows me a million times better than some of the real life ones I have known for years, and we have been through more together as well. Of course the online drama is usually a lot more common than real life (or, at least, in my experience) but still there is definitely a difference between the two.
          My real life friends ask me why I spend so much time with people I have never met and will never meet. I have never really managed to give an explanation, but spending this time with them is something I do and something I do often. I trust them. Care for them. Would go pretty freaking far for them.
          The same thing goes for the real life ones I have.

FAMILIES
          Currently I have two families. My real life one: My mom, dad, and brother. My online one has more….My brothers: Domenic, Adam, Ridd, Yuu, and Alexavier. My sisters: Saira and Amanda. My son: Simon. These are all the online friends I have that have declared themselves to be an official part of my family. Currently I am without a clue on how to put my ex fiancĂ©e into this—he’s the brother of my son but he is definitely a brother to me, despite all the things we had been.
          An online family is made up of people you can truly rely on and people you love with all your heart, but are not in love with. My brothers I adore, joke around with, laugh with, comfort with hugs and kisses on the cheek when they’re crying, or rest my head on their shoulders and weep in their arms when I need to. My sisters I talk about guys with, trade comfort, joke around with. My son Simon and I care about each other deeply and even act like mother and son. An online family can be a family to you when you have no one else. And Adam….My brother Adam has told me many a time I’m the only true family he has. And I do not argue with that. I will be whatever they need me to be, as long as they do the same in return.
          Of course, the depth of connection is different than with a real one, and you haven’t known your online family for anywhere near the same amount of time. But yet….Does it matter? They are a family to you if you allow them to be.

TRUST
          In the end, it always comes down to trust….Can you trust them to not be using you for some fun? Can you trust them to see you and still love you, or accept you when you are not brave enough to? Can you trust them enough to look beyond not knowing their face? Can you trust them enough to let the little things go and be happy with the things you do know about them? Can you trust them to not be false? Can you trust them enough to allow a deeper connection to build? Can you trust them to be a true friend to you? Can you trust them to perhaps be a better family to you than your real one?
          Or will you listen to the warnings against an online world? Will you listen to the horror stories of pedophiles, of rape, of lives ruined? Will you listen to the ones who have never had an online life preach about how it is a dangerous thing to do when they have not experienced it themselves?
          People online can and will hurt you. But so can people in the real world.
          Do not forget that the dangers that present themselves online are perhaps quite a bit less serious than the ones in the real world. Do not forget that, even for an instant, that the bad ones are everywhere you go, whether online or in real life.
          I believe in online love. I believe in online life. I believe in this world being whatever we make it out to be.
          Make your choice on whether or not to believe me.
          But remember this: An online world can never replace a real one.
          I’m learning that the hard way….

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

*Falls to My Knees and Screams*--Life Post (WARNING--BAD PICTURE)

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE A PICTURE OF CUTS.

I can't heal anymore......I can't feel anything.......Name your price. I'll do whatever it takes to give him a fresh new start.....

My friend Adam.....Oh god......Oh god.....*Rocks back and forth trying not to scream.* I can't take this anymore.........I feel so cold......So afraid............I can barely breathe.......

But I'm not the one who did this.......



LAST CHANCE. DO NOT SCROLL DOWN BELOW THIS UNLESS YOU ARE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.




*Screams my lungs out, falls to my knees, sobbing, completely unable to speak or think.*

Adam....

Is being abused by his parents....

They threw him into the Christmas tree on Christmas Day....

They threw him through a window a few days ago....

They don't ever let him clean his cuts....

He's beaten every day....

And.....and he told me something.....


Adam: do you ever fell betrayed

Me: Yeah.......A lot.........

Adam: same

Me: *shrugs* you're going to be okay Adam

Adam: i know *mummbles* i hope

Me: Hey bro look at me: You'll be okay

Adam: oh its just i keep remembering the accedent

Me: ........what accident?

Adam: three years ago i was going for icecream with my older sis and a truck hit us and she jumped in front of me she died and i lived ps we where celebrateing her w-wedding she was ingagded

Me: you.......you never told me......oh my god Adam....................................*grabs you in another hug, reaching up to bury your face in my neck protectively* Oh my god........

Adam: we where so close but im glad i have you your just like her you know

Me: *smiles softly* thank you......I love you bro.....................

Adam: *hugs you and crys a little * ditto

Me: *hugs you back* it's okay to cry Adam.......I'm always here...........

It got worse........He told me he was cutting again.....And that's when he showed me the picture....

And that's not all that happened........

Today was his first day back at school.......

He was beaten up by ten guys.

Called a fag.

Last time it was twenty guys.

I have his cell number now so I'll be here to most likely help him whenever he needs me......Whenever I'm not in class I'll have it not on silent mode constantly so I can hear his texts. If it's urgent I'll probably even text him back at three am, even though I'm hoping not to.....

I'm here for him kiddies.........

But his morning coffee: Two creams, two sugars, and three shots of vodka.

I don't know if he's taken drugs and he's refused to get the authorities involved.

Right now I know all of you readers are out there feeling maybe just as helpless as me but I'm here.....I'm the first one he's trusted in a long time and I will be whatever he needs me to be......I will save him......

I love you and I need you to do something for me.....

Pray for Adam. Pray for him, every last one of you who reads this. If you love me and care about me and/or don't want this blog to end because the owner has run out of heart to post on it, than pray for Adam. Give him strength. Ask God to help him in any way He can.

Please...........

Monday, January 2, 2012

William's Shadow

Whispers soft tempt me to beg
In the shadows where we lie, curled up close
Love, brand new and wild and uncontrolled
Lust drowning us both, perhaps we're rushing this too much
Inside the darkness, underneath the covers, eyes closed softly
Am I making a mistake, or am I finding someone good?
My love, my shadow, my shade, my protection

So tonight I believe I love you
Here in your arms, am I at last safe?
Always held close to you, feeling so shy
Don't ever worry, I won't leave you, simply because I can't
On my own is impossible for me, and I think I'm in love with you....
William, will you lie with me tonight and hold me close?


Posts I PROMISE To Write--Promises Post

Okay dudes I've been having trouble focusing on this for a while.......I know kiddies I know. It's the freaking Christmas Break and as you dudes can guess I've barely left the house. Yeah yeah I know..... I'm not social and I'm missing my cell. So that kinda leaves me trapped here with nothing to do.

So what have I been doing, you ask? How have I been keeping myself so busy that I haven't been able to post often?

I've been online of course.....Where else would I be? And yesterday was New Years right? So I had a ton of family things to do. Well the dinner was amazing, I kicked butt on MW3 against old family friends, and I had a pretty awesome day. I found out I'm not too badly affected by two cups of coffee and two glasses of wine. Well....Nice to know.

And kiddies.....

You dudes have actually missed a lot but I'd rather not go into all the details.

So let's move on.

I promise you I will post these things by the time school starts up again.......


  1. A post on the Sergalion religion written with the help of my friend Domenic
  2. A post on cybering--a basic description nothing too dirty
  3. A list of my online gang since the very first one--as complete as possible
That's about it dudes.....I'll post a couple poems as always and a Life Post or three but that's about it.

Love you kiddies!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

WELCOME TO 2012!!!--HAPPY F**KING NEW YEAR!!!

DUDES!!!

Freaking 2012 has come!!!

You dudes ready for it? Wait kinda late now lol--freaking two am.......

And now it's two thirty or so xD

I'm not entirely focused on posting on this right now.....

Sorry dudes--just had a long day.

And now.....

It's three am.......

I am torn between being high from two cups of coffee or crashing from two glasses of wine........

So.....

I'm just gonna give up on this post -_-

Night dudes.