Thursday, December 20, 2012
When the screams fade
And the storms break
When the sun shines
And the world begins
Don't forget there's someone there
Someone who can always care
I'm the girl who can love you
And I'm the one who will matter
Marry me, if you think you must
Hold me tight if you think you can
Keep me close and love me
Unless you think you can't
Marry me would you?
Because I need someone too
Someone to keep me close
When the entire world ends.....
When the sky bleeds white
And the winds start to blow
I will be alone
But I will be okay.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
My name is Michael.
I entered the Mansion the night before last.
I was stillborn, a child of the union between the two mighty angels Alakina and Raphael. Poor mum was almost killed delivering me--not surprising, considering the odd facts of my existence.
You see, her belly wasn't pregnant in the least until suddenly it began to grow and kick, baby me appearing in there all random-like.
That's not common even for Figments.
You see the all and mighty council that governs the Figments in the Faded Night decided Alex's lovely Mansion needed to be balanced more. There was too much goodness and too much softness in the Mansion--and so I was sent. I am the epitome of hatred and coldness.
I shall serve to balance out the kindness of this place.
In case you are wondering, I speak to you now because I was brought back to life by Ted's magic. He is quite the useful man, that boy. Much as I hate to admit it, I owe him my life.
I will make him pay for existing though.
I do not like him.
Why? It does not matter.
All that matters is that I am here.
I am a Fragment, by the by.
A Fragment is NOT a Figment. Figments are meant to be good and wise and--above all--loving. Fragments are meant solely for hate.
I hope you enjoy my company.
I have been sketching this since I was very, very young. I did not know where it came from until not very long ago, when my Figments explained it to me. I always draw the simplified version--eight pointed star beneath a single black line of sky. I do not bother with the colored curving lines. But they do add to the image, do they not?
Every line you see there is a pair of Figments, one at each end. The vertical middle line with the purple curving addition is Stepha (top) and Raven (bottom). As they are very good at keeping each other balanced, but not suited in the least for supporting others, they are placed where they are. And the color purple signifies them and their tendency to...be a D/s pair.
Going clockwise is Dana (top) and Kakana (bottom). They are a bit less balanced, but more able to deal with others and they also tend to be prominent, so they come up next. The light grey signifies that they are half human and half angel, and do not exist without darkness in their light.
The middle line with the pure white decoration is Raphael (right) and Alakina (left). They are my supporters and my strength--the ones who hold me tight. If need be, they can and will save everyone here--including me.
The remaining line with the dark grey curls is Jace and Nikita. They are neither good nor bad--and they protect us. They are extremely good fighters, but they are useless with social issues. The grey signifies their personalities more than anything--Nikita so cheerful, and Jace so...negative. Add them together and you get grey.
The line separate from the star belongs to Michael and I. His intro post will follow this one. He is my opposite--the night to my day. My hate. My coldness. The opposite of everyone else. And yes he is new here.....
The gold curving line signifies glory. The blue is sorrow. And the black....Honesty and truth.
I apologize for disappearing for so many days....
See you later loves.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
My goodbye to this world, played at my funeral.
What song would fit this young yet so very hurt blogger, as she goes to die?
As she fades away?
I have a few ideas for you....
What Will I Remember by Emilie Autumn
Goodnight Sweet Ladies by Emilie Autumn
Goodnight Demon Slayer by Voltaire
Story of a Girl by Nine Days
Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue
Beautiful Girl by Broken Iris
Best I Can by Art of Dying
So far, these are the only ones that have come to mind....Don't know why I'm really thinking about this so much, but I'm oddly very morose tonight.
I love you all, though.
Go on, stand up, if you have not wept.
Raise your hand if you haven't died inside.
Step up to bat and take a swing for the truth if you have never felt alone or abandoned.
Just as expected.
You see, loves, all of us are damaged in some way. Some are better at hiding it, or "get over it." Basically, they learn to live with it like you get used to a scar or a limp. It never goes away, the numbness never fades, but one day you deal with it. You can deal. It gets better.
I promise you that.
You see, I've been there....All of it. All the pain, all the shame, all the moments we suffer. All the hell and all the hurt.
We are all damaged.
I can say with certainty that all of us have been hurt in some way.....
You know, it's so strange that now that Adam is gone from my life for good, I no longer have a site to run to....Someone who tackles me whenever I'm online, who listens and opens up his entire world to me.....I no longer have Adam.....
Do I miss him?
Do I truly miss him, I wonder?
Do I miss all the loneliness when he wasn't there?
All the wishing he was here, and all the hidden guilt?
All the running away?
Do I miss him?
I miss him so very much.
I think about him every day, more than once some days....I never blocked him on Chatango, you know.....And he hasn't been online in two days....
I'm worried he hurt himself....
God, I hate this.
I would kill to know if he's okay...
Make a fake profile, talk to him, be his friend....
I don't know!
I am just worried......
Sometimes I wish I never met Ted.
And sometimes I wish I never met Adam.
He did inadvertently cause me to be a cam whore.....No, he really didn't. My ex Trevor did that. Adam just pushed it further.
Sometimes, I don't regret my past. I know it made me who I am today, so I shouldn't regret it. But most of the time, I regret it. I hate what it did to me. I hate the numbness and all the agony it caused. All the self esteem and loyalty issues. Every damned thing it led to.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
But I WILL NEVER hate what Adam and I were.....
I don't know why I'm talking about him tonight my loves.....Doesn't make much sense why I'm bringing up old wounds right now.
I guess it's because of this song, though.
I stumbled on it randomly, but....It's exactly what I wish I had shown him when we met.
When I told him not to love me, the very first time we cybered, the first night we met.
One freezing night in January, five am.
I won't forget him....
I won't forget who he was to me and who I wish I could be to him.....
Adam, if you ever read this, you are the one damaged person I wish I could be truly drawn to and able to save.
I love you, Master.
I always will.
Damaged people are everywhere, my loves. I'm definitely one of them, and I also suck at hiding it.
I can tell you honestly I am doing better now.
I am loved because I deserve to be loved. Everything I did was the past, and I should move on. I should let it go.
I always think of the end, though. Of the eventual future.....
How many lives would be different if I never existed?
Would your lives change at all, if you never read this?
I wonder if Fatum's life would change, if she never told me her story that day before March Break last year, beneath the stairs.
I wonder if Sun-Jung's life would change, if we never went to that dance together in the rain.
I wonder if anyone's life would change, if I never was born, and never died.....
What would matter about my absence?
I don't think I would need to ask...
I know Ted wouldn't be..as happy. He wouldn't be so confident. He wouldn't have ever gone to college.
Ian? I don't....Know if he'd be alive right now.....If his precious Angel never existed.
Would my family miss me? I'd like to think they would....
I'd like to think they would....
I'd like to think I was loved and needed, even if I never existed.
I know it's egotistical, but I like knowing I'd be missed.....
I also am thinking about something else....
What will I remember if tomorrow I don't wake up?
What will I forget?
Will anyone care?
Will my life come flashing before my eyes, or will it just be a blessed darkness and an absence of everything, final rest?
I wonder.....What will I see, at the end of the tunnel?
Here's to you readers, for listening to me ramble and weep and worry for so long....
Here's to you.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Errol, Debs, EVERYONE: You guys rule. How the heck do you guys make a comic every day? And a musical? And STILL WRITE? It's....Impossible. I can't even post every day, even with the magical ability to email posts to my blog.
I think the NaNoMusical should be put on DVD. I would buy it! I'd sponsor it if I wasn't, well, broke. I can't get over how good these comics are. They make my science, careers, and history classes a lot less boring. Imma keep working on reading the West of Bathurst comics.
How do you guys make these comics, anyways? Can they be done on laptop or do I need to not be on my itty bitty netbook computer?
I'd really love to know.
Well, this seems to be all I have time for now, so I'll just link you guys so my own blog readers can now go and read about you all xD Hope none of you mind!
http://www.masseycollege.ca/alumni/westofbathurst/westofbathurst060724.html First West of Bathurst Comic
http://debsanderrol.com/ Debs & Errol official website and daily comic.
Have fun reading, kiddies!
Oh, this blog is filled with poetry and stories and the musings of a psychotic fifteen year old girl. If you wanna read about me, then my entire life is only a few clicks away. x3
Monday, December 3, 2012
Therefore, you are forced to enter the insanely epic world of my blog once again!
How are my views doing, anyways? I didn't get a chance to check since I left for Ted's place Friday night, and as Blogger is currently iBossed (aka can't get on it because apparently it contains prohibited forums content) I can't check it at school. I wonder how many views my NaNoWriMo post got? I hope it got very popular....
Okay. My plan for next year?
MASSIVE HUGE EXTREMELY LONG WRITING SESSION IN TIM HORTONS!
It will be during November, crashed with coffee and food in Timmies for several hours writing like mad on my laptop. To further drive the point that I am doing NaNoWriMo, I'll put a nice big sticker on my laptop. Or tape. Whatever works. It will say: CAUTION, NaNoWriMo Novelist at Work. Bystanders May Be Written Into the Story.
I wonder if I'll meet up with people? Hopefully I'll get at least one writing buddy! It would be amazing to have someone to write with me.
Hopefully, the Tim Hortons where I'm close to will have an outlet....I know it has WiFi, but an outlet to charge my laptop is just as--if not more--important.
Okay yeah. That is a bit of a depressing saying. But it still looks cool!
Imma try and get that picture downloaded and posted here soon--the one I mentioned earlier, the one I want on my laptop.
Okay. I am not on my laptop--on a school comp so I cannot type.
I love ya all.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Yes, I was...serious about wanting to erm.....Marry Ian. I....Lately I've been falling in love with him. He's on my mind as much as Ted is now and I have a lot better conversations with him than I do with Ted. However, it really is Ted that I can be with in any way physically, and it's Ted that also has a few less...issues.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Amazing, ain't it?
So many days and so many weeks have gone by since the beginning.....
Really my loves, how long has it been?
According to an online date calculator, one year, one month, and twenty three days--not including today. Or around 420 days....
It's getting old, ain't it? All these adventures and all this pain. Oh my lovely readers, how do you stand me?
I'm dramatic and sucidal and oh so delectably psycho....
But hey, perhaps that's why you come back so much....
Because I'm always honest.
Even if it's only for the sake of the show.
I think a lot these days, about how I wish I could change my life....
Do I really want to?
I wish I could make myself happier. I wish I could train myself to come out of my shell more and be less afraid. I wish I could see what everyone sees in me but I can't and I don't and I never will.
But it's all going to be okay.
Don't ask me how I know.....
Don't ask me how I have such faith in this world, after everything that's happened. After seeing friends break apart, being left by and loving still so very many, don't ask me how I know we can ALL get through this. Don't ask me how I know we're okay. Don't ask me how I know I'm going to be fine.
Because.....I wouldn't be able to answer.
I won't be able to say anything more than this: "Do you question my knowledge of this world?"
I may be only one and a half decades old, but I've lived a lot already. I'm also a special kid, always have been. And I always will be.....So very special.
Yes, I am special in the head.
One of my friends who is also Figmented apparently calls it Multiple Personality Disorder.....
Well.....Even if I DO have it it doesn't surprise me. Most of my family suffers from mental breakdowns.
So I don't think it surprises me......
Or any one else in my family for that matter.
Either way, I doubt it needs to be controlled. I love my Figments--they are...a lot of me.
I don't know where I'd be without them.
This post seems to be a lot of white space and very little text...SORRY!!!
I just...Am thinking.
M-marrying Ian one day and yes he can see this so..so hi and erm I love you very much b-but ummm.......
Imma...stop talking now kiddies.....
Monday, November 26, 2012
So where are we to go now? We have two out of three Keys, we’re up in a forest currently inhabited by my former master and dozens of Lady White’s men, Anne is pretty much unconscious and I’m uncertain as to whether or not she will ever wake up, and I’m missing most of my left boot.
I sighed. This was going to be fun.
“What happens now? Where do we go?” Joey asks, eyeing me. “You do know where we’re going right…?”
I pause, think for a moment, and then whisper, “Home.”
You should have seen the looks on their faces…!
“Wh-wh-what do you mean ho-home?” Max asks, his eyes wide.
“Lady White has hopefully managed to locate a way for you people to return to your dimension. Not that we don’t we don’t enjoy having you hear, but I believe that you must desire quite greatly to go back home.”
They look at each other, and as one, they shake their heads. “I like it here,” Joey tells me, “And I’m pretty sure Max does, and I know Anne does.”
I just look at them for a while. This just wasn’t making sense to me—why didn’t they want to go home? How bad could their world possibly for them to not want to return to it from here, a place so strange to them?
But then I think….Why not continue this wild adventure? It was a long journey home, and I knew that Lady White wouldn’t be very pleased to see me. She would be quite angry, and I knew the kind of things she did and the orders she gave when she decided she was annoyed with someone.
Sighing, I bit and chewed on my lower lip, looking around me carefully. But I knew that they were right—there was no going home. Not yet at least, and not without the final Key.
Just as I was about to consult my map and begin to locate the next goal, I heard something. A young Magician wandered out of the forest—he was the brother of one of my classmates, so I took an automatic dislike to him. “Avery, Lady White wants you to know that she is sorry for her apparent lack of trust. She did trust you with this mission—she just knew who you would happen upon, and she wanted a few of us to keep our eyes on you in case you needed it. She still wants you to complete the mission, Avery.”
I just start to glare at him, before I sigh and realize that he is right. “I might as well complete the mission. Not like she’d let me come back home.”
He nods at me and smiles grimly. “If you were to turn back now, I would have had to make good on my promise to kill you. Your old friends wanted me to keep them from being forced to torture you to death.”
I just gave him a look, sighed once more, turned my back on him, and led my motley group off on our next adventure.
“We’re going to visit the chocolate factory?!?!” Anne yells, starting to dance around. “Will we see Willy Wonka? Grow huge from eating blueberries?”
I just stared blankly at her. What kind of drivel was this girl spouting? What kind of strange things happened in her weird wild world?
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one to think she might have lost her mind. Joey smacked her on the back of the head, glaring at her. “Quit. Anne, just because this place is beyond crazy doesn’t mean the chocolate factory will be inhabited by your favorite pedophile. Anyways….It’s going to be filled with fairies, most likely.”
I slapped my hand to my face and groaned in exhausted exasperation. Why must humans be so terribly infuriating? Was their stupidity intentional, or a trade shared by ALL of the humans of their world?
I eyed them carefully, and decided that yes….Yes stupidity WAS one of the basic human traits.
Now that I had that cleared up, I figured that it was the perfect time to explain to the humans about our next destination.
“Our first job is to get out of this dreamland,” I said, looking around at them, “I believe we may have found ourselves in a different realm. It’s the only reason that Anne could have woken back up so suddenly and that bright yellow dinosaur is over there by the willow tree.”
Of course they all looked over at the yellow dinosaur….
I sighed, pulled out my sword, and wondered when and if the attack would come.
Strangely, the attack never came…….
I watched the rain come. I stood there with the humans by my side, and the rain fell around us, splattering on the ground like soft bells. How could rain sound so musical? I wondered briefly, before looking up at the cloudless sky. How is rain falling without clouds?
“Why do things have to make sense, young Avery? Don’t you recognize this place at all?” a voice whispered in the depths of my mind. I didn’t recognize the voice, and it certainly wasn’t mine….who’s was it then?
None of this was making sense anymore….now my mad adventure seems to have just deteriorated into an odd rambling. But granted maybe that was all they had ever been?
I snapped out of my reveries when the lightning hit the earth a few feet away from me and the others, and we all jumped back, our noses attacked by the scent of burnt earth and grass. What had just happened? There still was not a single cloud in the sky…..
“And, again, Avery, do things need to make sense?” there was the voice again! The accursed voice…..Swearing softly to myself, I rubbed my ears hard and then my eyes, as if that would help me free my mind of the horrific voice. But I knew it would do no good.
Realizing I was being closely watched by the others, I turned to them, and gave them a quick smile, as if assuring them that no I was not losing my mind, and that, yes, we were going to make it out of here okay.
It didn’t seem to do any good, but at least they didn’t bother to complain. I looked around us, and opted to not go in the general direction of the big yellow dinosaur, so I started leading them in the direction of a large rocky hill, where we might be able to find some shelter from the rain. As we walked, I took special care to remain close by Anne’s side, watching her every move. She seemed to be perfectly normal, perfectly fine, but I didn’t entirely trust it….Wherever we were, things happened without any real explanation given, and I had the feeling that, whatever the explanation was for Anne being awake, it wasn’t going to be one I would end up liking.
We reached the rocks, and settled together under a small outcropping, curling close to each other to try and share our body heat. It was then that poor Max, seeming very dazed and unhappy, spoke his first words in a while, “I-I’m c-c-cold…..”
I couldn’t help grinning when Joey replied with, “I-I’m c-c-c-c-c-cold too….” The poor kid’s teeth were chattering so bad that he sounded like he had an even worse stammer than Max!
Anne seemed to agree with me when she rolled her eyes, before she did something I can never forgive her for: She proceeded to toss her head around, shaking the rain from her hair, soaking all of us even more, the chain holding her hair whipping around like a metal snake, leaving a small bruise on my chin in the shape of a metal skull. She shot me an apologetic look, but I simply sighed, and hugged my knees tighter.
A few minutes later, Anne broke the silence by asking in a soft voice, “Where the hell are we?”
I just looked at her, shrugged, and looked away again. I had not the faintest idea, even though the voice within my mind that I refused to admit was there seemed to know. “Don’t you remember, Avery?” it whispered in the depths of my mind, refusing to be ignored. “I know you have had your memory wiped clean, but now that you’re here….It’s coming back, isn’t it? It’s returning….All the things you’ve left behind.”
I refused to acknowledge that voice with a response, and tilted my head back, breathing in and out slowly. I didn’t know what to do, so I opted to just remain here for a while longer.
We ended up falling asleep, and on the next day, when we all awoke, we began to move out. The stone that had helped me earlier in finding the Key was useless, so we were going to just have to walk in a direction of our choice, and hope it was the right one.
We walked together into the future, hoping we’d find a reason to keep walking, but knowing we wouldn’t. I breathed slowly, but I couldn’t ignore the voice, even though I forced my eyes to continually look around me for hints as to where we should go.
Finally I gave up and followed the voice’s directions, breaking into a sprint as I heard the voice grow louder, louder, louder, louder…..
I stopped when I ran into nothing.
I staggered back, my nose bleeding, my head aching, my mind awhirl. What had just happened? I didn’t know and nothing was making sense.
The others didn’t take too long to catch up to me. “What the heck just happened?” Anne cried, carefully touching the blood coming from my nose, a worried look on her face. “Avery, what’s going on?”
I just shoved her away and leaned against the invisible barrier I had smashed into, listening to the voice, letting my mind drift further and further away….
Until I found myself…remembering. My eyes snapped tighter shut, and my breathing grew shallower, my every facet of heart and soul drew back into my mind. I wasn’t thinking anymore, I was only remembering….
I was remembering my training. I was remembering all the torments, all the pain, all the little agonies. I was remembering everything I had blocked from my mind.
I was also remembering this place….
“It’s a dreamscape, your mind come alive, where you can choose to either realize your dreams—at a price—or choose to learn the slow way.. It’s there that you realize who you truly are. If you can survive there, you can survive anywhere. You’ll encounter the true you, and it all comes down to what he tells you, as it will allow you to realize what you want most.”
That was what Master had told me.
What was it I wanted most? Was it the final Key, and the elves to be at last free of their torments? Or was it perhaps Anne, so beautiful but so unattainable? What was it I desired most?
I fell deeper into my thoughts, until suddenly my eyes snapped open and I found myself in a world of mist, all scenery lost to the soft whiteness. I blinked in surprise before smiling softly—I guess it was here that my choice would be made.
It was then that I heard the voice speak again, and this time it wasn’t from within my mind: It was from behind me. My back tensed, and I turned to confront the owner of the voice at long last, and who would I see there but me?
I was a lot younger—longer, more raggedly cut hair, smaller muscles and skinnier too, a few less scars and smoother skin. He grinned at me—or should I say I grinned at me? “I look good as an old guy,” he commented, and shrugged, “Or as good as an old guy can look.”
“What do you want, young’in?” I replied, giving my impertinent and annoying younger self a glare.
“I just want to tell you the choice you need to make, Avery. Anne’s dying, and the only thing that can save her is the Necklace of Infinity. Which needs to be taken back to Lady White and used in the ritual, which would likely render it useless. You have the choice of saving the girl you love’s life and making her immortal to boot, or saving pretty much everyone else. Which choice will you make?”
I sat down, put my head in my hands, and sighed, before looking up at myself and asking, “Where’s the final Key?”
He pulled something out of his pocket, and tossed it at me. It was a small gold ring, no inscriptions, just gold. I examined it, nodded, and muttered, “So that’s the Ring of Strength?”
He nodded, and shrugged a bit sarcastically, “What, you were expecting a circus ring?”
I glared at him, stood, brushed off my leggings, and stuck him with a cold look, “How do I get out of here?”
“Easy. You just say the magic word and you’re out of here.”
“What’s the magic word?”
I was back in the real world again, and all the others were around me. Leslie, who I’ve been forgetting to mention for the last while, was the first and thankfully not the only one to greet my return by giving me a hard kick in the shin. I glared at her, and then looked over to where the others were, kneeling beside Anne.
She wasn’t moving.
She didn’t seem to be breathing….
I shut my eyes tightly, and pulled out the Necklace of Infinity, letting my hands trace its shape. It was made in the shape of an angel, wings spread wide, and a rapier held high. I cut my thumb on the blade, and tried to keep myself from bursting into tears.
Anne was dying and I doubt I could do anything to save her….
Heartbeat racing, I stood, walked over to her, and bent down to slip the Necklace around her neck.
She snapped awake and kissed me, grinning softly. “I guess I’m alive.”
I nodded gratefully, and hugged her tight. “I think I’m in love with you….” I whispered softly in her ear, and she tensed briefly in my arms, before relaxing again.
“I know I’m in love with you.”
I smiled, and sighed, just happy to be holding her again.
The moment was shattered by an all-too-familiar female voice calling imperiously, “Ah lover, have you done as I asked you to?”
It was Lady White. I turned and stared at her blankly, before my eyes flooded with anger. “What are you doing here, my Lady?” I asked sharply, “I thought you would be anticipating my return back at home, but apparently you opted to follow me every step of the way.”
She smiled widely: “Did you honestly expect me to entrust such a mission to a bumbling fool like yourself? You may be powerful, but not even as powerful as the helpers I sent along to assist you. You would have died a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.”
“So you’re expecting me to just thank you for lying to me about all of this? I even doubt that you love me—were you honestly just using me as a way to get rid of your prisoners and your rich brat daughter?”
“Aw, Avery, you only figured out now that you mean basically nothing to me or to anyone else? You always were just someone we used. You were too weak to be anywhere close to trainable, and you still are. I had just sent you on this mission so I could get rid of you for a while longer, and I must say I’m impressed. You’ve survived a lot more than I thought you could—and yes quite a few of the other quests I have sent you on were attempts to kill you. But now that this quest is done, Avery, why don’t I release you from my service after you, of course, give me the Keys?”
I couldn’t imagine a woman I hated more….
Lady White smiled wider. “It will free your kind forever, Avery. We’re dying, us elves. More of us are drained every second. After you hand over the Keys, you will be able to live out your life with Anne, who will get the Necklace of Infinity right after we use it for our purposes. Hand over the Key, and everything will be okay.”
Not even bothering to speak, I obediently handed her the Book of Journeys and the Ring of Strength, before pausing to gaze at Anne. Her eyes were wide and she looked afraid, holding tight to the necklace that was keeping her alive. I touched her shoulder and kissed her deeply, before taking the Necklace of Infinity from her slim neck and handing it to Lady White.
I caught Anne when she collapsed into my arms, almost dead, and I stared at Lady White while she whispered a few words in a language I did not know, a soft light starting to glow from the Keys that she held clutched in her hands. Suddenly, there was a click¸ and I suddenly felt…fully alive. I could sense the magic all around me, and I knew it was there.
Smiling softly, Lady White handed me the Necklace, and watched calmly as I restored it to Anne’s neck, my beautiful girl snapping to consciousness again the instant it touched her skin. I kissed her deeply, but it was what happens next that gave me the most satisfaction.
Reaching deep into my body, I slammed a single powerful burst of magic straight into Lady White’s heart, using every bit of magic I could draw from the area around me.
She died instantly.
I smiled to myself, kissed Anne again, and decided that maybe this could really be a happily ever after.