Never Letting You Go

I have never felt more afraid. More alone. More lost. You had been the only thing I wanted, the only thing I needed. And now...Now you're gone....I'm left behind, even though you had sworn to me you would never go.


Your name had been Jason Gray. You were my best friend. Oh God...Past tense.....Jason, I love you, please God no don't do this......Don't leave me alone!


You were my best friend. Jason, everyone loved you. You were everything I cared about. Everything I wanted. The only one I had fully trusted. And, God, Jason, you were everything I had wanted to be. Smart. Funny. Handsome. Loved. Went to parties. Had an amazing boyfriend.


But then....Oh God could it only be yesterday....? Could it only be yesterday that you went out with a bang?


I think I could forgive you easier if it had only been a single bang...


God, Jason, I still see it.....I looked, Jason; forgive me God I looked.....


I saw you shoot her, Jason. I saw you shoot her, shoot Mckayla, shoot her dead. And I heard, Jason, I heard what you said.....


"Don't look, Dan, don't look at me I can't take it...." you'd said to me, shaking like a leaf.....God, Jason, you used to be so strong....What changed? Jason, what changed?


"I love you, Mckayla, I'll see you soon....." you said next, watching her slump down the wall, her blond hair fanning out like a halo, blood already staining her blue dress like a morbid corsage.


And then you....Oh God don't....God please please please please God.......

DON'T LET ME REMEMBER!

But I remember....Jason, I remember everything.......

You turned to look at me....You smiled, Jason, such a small sad smile....

"Dan, forgive me....." you whispered, and oh God I knew.....I knew it was the last time you'd say my name....

"Jason, don't.....Oh God no....." I murmured, wanting to tell him I loved him, that I forgave him.......To stop, please God just stop......

Jason, you look at me, green eyes filled with tears....I remember all too well when they used to be flooded with laughter.....

And then.....

You pull the trigger.

Slump, slowly, so so slowly, blood trickling from your chest.

For a second, just for a single shocked second, I wonder at the lack of blood. Think: His heart must have stopped instantly.

I fall to my knees. Pull your black-haired head head onto my lap.

Close your eyes.

Say a prayer over your body. You, Jason, my best friend.....

Look around me, around us, at the bodies and the bloodstains.

See the group of kids that had bullied me lying in a heap, expressions of scorn torn into ones of horror.

See Maddy, who I'd always loved, lying beneath her boyfriend's body.

He hadn't managed to stop the bullets. He hadn't managed to protect her, or anyone else.

No one had.

How many lay dead here?

The supervisors of the dance had fallen first. Then the dancers, couples, and groups of friends. All of them dressed up in their rented suits and pretty dresses.

I listen to the music. Throughout the screams, throughout the horror, the blood, and the death the speakers had pumped Firework by Katie Perry.

As I sat there, in the silence and the blood, the song changes to Tomorrow Never Comes by VNV Nation.

I wonder if you can hear it. Jason, can you hear it? It was your favorite song, Jason; it was your favorite song. You used to walk around the hallways at school just singing it. You'd tag buildings with the lyrics. Sign reports with it. Doodle it on your notebooks.

Are you listening to it with me?

Can you hear it?

What feels like an hour later, but must have been only minutes, men in black uniforms burst through the gym doors.

They stop and stare.

I lift you into my arms, cradle you against my chest. "I'm not letting you go, Jason, I'm not letting go....."

One of the men says softly into the silence, "Is there anyone else left?"

I shake my head, still holding Jason tightly.

|The man who had spoken walks toward me.

Looks at me.

I feel his eyes meet mine, despite the distance between us.

He knees beside me in the pool of blood.

Pulls Jason from my arms.

Rests him gently down, tenderly, as if he was made of crystal.

The policeman hugs me tightly.

And I start screaming.

I wake in the hospital.

Curl up in the bed.

Smell the blood.

I'll never forget it, Jason, I'll never forget the blood....

Jason, why....?

You had everything.

I had nothing.

Nothing but you and a family that hated me.

Why did you leave me alive?

Jason, why didn't you take me with you?

I will never forget you, never let you go.

Jason, you were my best friend.

Jason, I love you.

Jason, I...I forgive you.

For everything but leaving me alive.