Damn me to hell. I said I'd do my very best to keep my life out of this, but right now the last little bit of me that has a heart is gonna break if I don't rip it out of my chest and see it here on the screen. So here goes absolutely nothing, and yes I mean that. To all my dedicated readers (haha, there's none out there I do believe), I warn you: Skip this post unless you want to know a bit too much about me. And to all of you who know me in real life, NEVER mention this. What I write on here is for...well, my eyes only really. I would like to keep my real life and personal life kept very separate. And the people involved would rip my heart out of my chest if they knew I was writing this. And yes....I'm sick of NICKNAMES! So I'll use their first names. Well, here goes....
I've got myself into a hell of a sick and twisted sitch. And no matter what I do now a heart gets broken--and it's most likely going to be mine. You see....Emmy (Sweetheart) and I are in love. I was sent to her by my friend Alicia who stepped in when she read a poem I wrote during what can only be described as the Week of Hell. I was sent in as a form of last resort--if I can't stop Emmy from spiraling until she SUCCEEDS in her attempts to kill herself, than no one can. So I stepped in first as a caring friend, and then things left friendship and shoulders to cry on and went directly to full-blown love. Yes, I'm female. Yes, so is she. I was straight for most of my life, but surprise surprise I've fallen for a girl online and I'm most likely bisexual.
Emmy....We..can never be. Alicia and her were dating--a fact both neglected to inform me of--and Emmy only told me about her AFTER I'd told her I loved her, kissed her, and only then thought she might have neglected to mention to me that she was laid claim to. And, now that things between Emmy and Alicia are somewhere resembling over, Emmy still can't be mine because she can't handle a relationship. And in truth I doubt I can trust her. I need someone safe, and that's...that's not her. And....I'm not able to love right now, because I'm somebody else's, heart and soul.....I'll get to him last. I'll finish off Emmy first (*rolls my eyes at the various pervy meanings that has*) and I'll tell you what she's like.
She's been hurt a great deal. A VERY great deal. Raped, many of her family and friends have died recently....She's lost all real will to live. I got her to tell me she would never attempt suicide again, but I'm uncertain as to whether she'll keep that promise. So I'm pushing her away a bit so I can't be hurt if she DOES leave me. Please, understand me......I went through one night of hell thinking she was dead, only to wake the next morning to the news that she hadn't cut deep enough. No. I can't....WON'T put myself through that.
And....Now here steps in Joseph. Tall, brown haired, brown eyed, seventeen, in grade twelve, and he doesn't go to my school. We're on the bus together and he's a very good guy. He's the ex of a friend of mine, and he's shy around girls--sort of. He's been hurt a lot by girls, and yes that is unfair. But you don't know him. He believes that girls are always weaker than men, always less smart, and never as good. He is homophobic. He is decidedly racist. He uses a lot of stereotypes. So here I am, half-Chinese, female, and bisexual--which he hates more than people who are homosexual. If he knew I was bi, chances are he wouldn't let me speak to him. But he's a good guy. He's a friend of mine. He's fun to be around, funny, good at giving advice, and there's just something...something right about him. And besides....What else am I going to do on the hour long bus ride each night? And seeing him each day and not being able to say a word to him because he can't accept me...That would be hell. So maybe I've got a chance of happiness with him--but I don't rightly know. He's into chubbier girls, and I'm neither fat nor thin. But I just.....He....I'm sick of being alone! He doesn't treat me like his other friends, he knows I'm sweeter and kinder than all the rest, and he knows I'm safe to be around. I'm just so sick of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So......I've got down here two pretty bad choices already. Emmy the Unattainable and Joseph the Ass. Shall we go with Dylan the Savior? But he's got his own difficulties. We've known each other for around seven months. Haha, 'known.' Online. Joseph is the only one I know in real life. We met on a site because of a quiz I made, it said we would be friends, and he messaged me. Before long, we had hit it off and there was something about us that made us right. I'm not saying it was love at first sight/message, but....Pretty dang close. One day we were dating, and then we ended because of distance (eight hours' drive between us, different countries) and because I still had feelings for Adonis. Yes, the Adonis with a post written about him. And....Dylan and I got back to normal after that. Eventually....
And then enter a love triangle. Dylan was falling for Marianne, and I was stuck watching him because he didn't know I still had feelings for him. And then one night I tell him. And then, not much later, the Week of Hell mentioned above begins because Dylan takes time away to decide between Marianne and I. And that's when a lot of my friends are made--strangers reaching out to find the breaking girl who begged for help via poetry flooded with broken hearts and images of death and wrenching sobs. Dylan ended that one week early, telling me he'd chosen me. We rush things, which inevitably lead us to going too far. And then I confront him because Saira O'Conley--yes, from the poem--pointed out the red flags I wasn't letting myself see.
He admitted it.
He'd never decided.
So we end it, and a few hours later he's with Marianne. You can imagine how I feel about that. Pissed and heart broken and betrayed.
And cold. Utterly cold. That's when my heart dies.
And now that Dylan and Marianne are over for their own reasons--it's not my story so I refuse to share it--he's free and he's now hurting. Why? He has to make this choice:
1. Try to get the 'perfect girl' back. Aka me.
2. Try to get the girl he likes a lot to like him back
3. Try to find somebody else and make it work with them.
But he won't choose me because of all the crap I'm going through (aka Joseph and Emmy). He can't add onto my pain, because he can't see me hurt. He won't choose option 2 because she'll never like him back that way, and he doesn't think he has a chance. So that leaves option three.
I'd take him back in a heartbeat.
And that's just cursedly stupid.
Look, kiddies.....I'm breaking. Forget you ever read this post and don't try to help. Unless you wanna get wrenched into all this, I'd suggest you pray and forget.
I don't truly believe in God, but whatever helps would be appreciated.....
Sorry for breaking my promise.
I just needed to write this.
No comments:
Post a Comment