~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween ;)

Happy Halloween Y'all!

Go out and have a Fright Tonight
Play the Game until the Morning's Light
Who cares if you're Afraid?
It's only a Game we've all Played
So Laugh with your Friends
Who knows when it All Ends?
Don't look Behind You
There's Nothing You can Do
They're Coming After You
And You know what They're going to Do



XO I love Halloween! Today was amazing. I love this holiday. And guess what? I told Joseph I like him!!!! :D And he told me that we'd just see where things go, that it was alright, and he really looked happy about it. Which rocks.

I was randomly hugged--AGAIN--today. There's a guy I know, named Zack, in my Musical Theater Club, and he's a hugger. He's hugged me once before, and I barely know him. And today I tossed him a bag of chocolate at third period, and at the end of the day he walks up to me from behind, wraps his arms about my waist, and hugs me. Creepy.....Aha who cares? It's awesome.

So today went altogether pretty freaking awesome.....XO

And at the end of the day, after the Novel Writing Club Kick-Off Party, I was standing outside on the side of the road and it was windy and a bit rainy and cold, and I was in a dress, a massive purple witch hat, and a purple cloak. It was awesome XO. And I was thinking to myself: "Nothing weird to see here, no siree. Just a witch standing by the side of the road blasting This Is Halloween by Marilyn Manson and bowing at/charging at/attempting to scare the occupants of cars." Yes, I charged a car. I was standing stock-still for about three minutes, and then this little car toodled  up beside me. I waited until it was about ten meters away from pulling even with me, tensed my muscles, and waited until it was only a meter from pulling even with me to take a running leap from the sidewalk, and charge at the car shrieking arcane incantations and trying to scare the drivers. It was so freaking awesome!

XO HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y'ALL!


Sunday, October 30, 2011

So I Guess I Lied

I guess I lied to you
I don't know what to do
I didn't mean that!
I didn't mean that
I'm sorry, take me back
Take me back
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to lose you
What I said was impulsive and wrong
From the heart of a girl not strong
Forgive me and tell me
That you still love me
I didn't mean to hurt you
Is there anything I can do
To have us back again to the way we were before
And I promise to love you even more
I love you
You know I do
So please tell me you do, too
I don't want to lose you
But I guess I just did
I guess I just did.


Anna's Words

Yeah, this is what Anna's telling me, except she made it into poetry for no reason at all..... :3

Sh, I'm here
I know there's so much to fear
Bury your face in my hair
You know how much I care
And even though she may be gone
You're not going to be life's pawn
You're going to be strong
Even though so much is wrong
My angel, my beautiful dark-haired angel
I will heal your shattered shell
Believe in me
I will set you free
The emptiness will fade
And the knowledge that you were played
Will be forgotten--and remember this
Before you feel the knife's kiss
Think first of the ones with their faith in you
The ones that will be hurt if you do
So stay strong for them
Fight this fight for them
And never forget how strong you are
And don't forget how far
And babe it's okay to cry
As long as you don't want to die

Cold Comfort--Life Post

A conversation between my friend and me.

Me: I don't have anything left here do I?
Anna: Yes you do. You have me, Saira, Dylan, and all the others. You aren't alone.
Me: But she's gone!
Anna: So? You're going to be okay babe; no matter how much you try and fight it, the fact is she never meant that much to you.
Me: She was everything to me! The first girl I ever loved.
Anna: Don't go spouting that cr*p to me. Of all the people you know, who knows you better than I? You loved her, yes, but it wasn't true was it? 
Me: It was true! I meant everything I said to her
Anna: You told her you would always love her and her alone, correct? And then look at what you did! You go and fall for Joseph.
Me: So this is all my fault?
Anna: No. Look, babe, it's a mutual thing. Both of you weren't able to handle a relationship.
Me: You really suck at comforting......
Anna: Yeah, sorry 'bout that. How're you feeling?
Me: Empty. But I'm thinking about what you said....
Anna: Love you babe. You will be okay, don't forget that. And it wasn't your fault, don't you dare blame yourself for this. And yes maybe she is gone forever, but you WILL survive it. You WILL make it through this. The emptiness will fade.
Me: Love you too Anna. Thank you.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I Promised You Eternity

I promised you eternity
Sweet Emily
So why do you make me break my vow?
Can't we make this last somehow?
Or are you right to make me leave?
Will the ties about my heart that you did weave
Break and finally free me?
Free me from you, Sweet Emily?
I fall to my knees, the blood pouring from my wrist
At long last the knife has kissed
My untouched skin
And let out the agony within
Forgive me
Forgive me, Emily
I'm falling, faster and faster
Drowning in my agony, faster and faster
Please just let me go
Please let me go
I have to go
Goodbye forever, so
I'm never coming back
Of hurting you I've got too much of a knack
Sorry, Emily
I'm so damn sorry.


Emily V.

I've never cried this much
My cheek still feels your touch
Gently your lips I kiss
I don't want to lose this
This feeling of your fingers in my hair
The knowledge that you care
Will I have lost you tonight?
Or will we remain until the dawn's light?
Losing you
What can I do?
Do I remain
Pretend there's no pain?
Or do I walk away
And hope to return another day?
Will you let me come back to you?
Or will I have lost you
Forever and a day?
Is there another way?
Holding tight to your hand
Why you tell me to go I understand
But I can't go!
A life without you I don't want to know
The first girl I've ever loved is you
Without you, what do I do?
Let me stay
Tell me there's another way
Tell me you're mine
Tell me we're fine
Please! Please
Emily, I'm on my knees
Don't make me go!
I don't want to go!
Emily, sweet Emily
I clutch you to me desperately
In my ear you whisper, "It's for your sake, remember
"That I love you forever."
NO! No, sweetheart, no
But inside of me I know
You're right
But can we make this last another night?
I don't want to lose you now
Can't I stay with you somehow?

My Emily..........

*Bursts into sobs.* Emily, I'm sorry.....I should have told you about Dylan. I should've told you about Joseph.  I should've told you everything. I used you. I betrayed you the same way you betrayed me. And now you're telling me to go. I can't leave you! I can't leave you. I may not be able to save you, but the least I can do is spiral down into hell with you. Emily! Emmy, sweetheart, tell me we're okay. Tell me I can stay with you! Please, Emmy, please!!!!!!!

THE CANDLE

What
                   Did we
                   Do
     Wrong?
I call out
But
The CANDLE
Is flickering
Out—the smoke
Is RISING
C
A
N
Y
O
U
HEAR ME?
Iamsoweak
The candle
Is   almost
Out. Hear
Me,    see
Me,  save
MeIdon’t
Want   to
Die now.
Save   me
But     the
CANDLE
IS  OUT

Everything I Wanted Was You

Evermore I'll be whispering your name
Vines of memory tie me down
Evermore I'll wishing we could have been forever
Reality for me had only been you
You and I were perfect together
Together we could do anything
How did we end? Why?
I will never love another
Never will my love for you die
Guess I'm stuck with tears in my eyes for all eternity

Inside I wish I had never met you

Want and need
All of those things I had for you
Now I wonder what part of you is mine still
Truth is, even now, I still am yours heart and soul
Evermore I'll be crying
Death won't release me from this agony

We were supposed to be forever!
Are we really over, or can we one day try again?
So was the choice I made the right one?

Yes, it releases you from agony
Oceans of tears fall from my eyes alone
Unending love for you tears my heart in two.


So What Do I Do Now?

Slowly I lie down
On your chest I rest my head

We lie here in each other's arms
Here at we are safe
At long last I close my eyes
The beating of your heart soothing me to sleep

Dylan my love, stay with me
On my freedom I swear to never leave

I will love you until the end of my days

Death won't keep me from your arms
On your chest I rest my head

Never do I want to leave
On this night we at last are safe
We will be together forever.





And of course Dylan and me came to an end, and we most likely are never going to give us another try. We can't risk each other getting hurt. So I just wish we could be back together......I miss him. I miss us. I miss love, I miss resting my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. I miss everything we were. But.......I guess we made the right choice. Every time we try we fail. And every time it's even harder to heal after that. If you're reading, Dylan love, I'm fine. I really am.

Friday, October 28, 2011

In The Cold Of The NIght

Whispering my name
The dreams have come again
You come to my side
In my blankets you try to hide
Honey, it's safe here
There's nothing to fear
I pull you close, hold you tight
You can stay with me tonight
I love you
I won't let them touch you
It's cold out there
But you know I care
So stay with me tonight
I'll shelter you until the morning's light
I'm here
No need to fear
In the cold of the night
There's always just a bit of light


My Weekend--Life Post

Here's a list of things that I need to do this weekend.....


  1. Freaking plot out my novel and do all the characterization. Due Date: The SECOND it becomes November First
  2. Five or six annoyingly difficult math questions. Due Date: Monday
  3. Poetry portfolio. Due Date: Ummmmmmm................................
  4. Various tests. Monday. Math and English maybe.....?
  5. Figure out when to hang out with Joseph--and the word WHERE is important
  6. Trick-Or-Treating with Sun-Jung? Maybe? Due Date: Monday Night
  7. Am I even GOING Trick Or Treating? Due Date: Monday
  8. COSTUME!!!!! Witch--for the fourth year in a row--or something else? Due Date: Monday Morning
  9. CALL DYLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Due Date: Ten o'clock Sunday Night (School night)
  10. Make sure I didn't forget anything. Due Date: Homeroom Monday Morning--if I rush I can finish anything
  11. Figure out what my act is to audition for the Variety Show. Due Date: Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday
  12. PRACTICE MY ACT A MILLION TIMES. Due Date: Whenever I audition
Whoopdedoo......This is gonna be a fun weekend eh?

Joseph + Me = WTF!?!?!--Life Post

I messed up today loves.....Maybe majorly, or maybe it was a good thing.....But alright alright here's what happened.....

We were talking, and I was feeling pretty good about telling my friend Alex Pratt I was bi and having her hug me four million times when I told her about Emmy and all the crap that I was going through because of her and I. And then we were talking about how he doesn't gloat if he has a girlfriend and he mentions us dating right then, just as an example.

A few minutes later, I've moved over into the seat beside him. He does an impression, and it's freaking hilarious. And things pretty much stay like that, talking and laughing. And then....he tells me that he won't date anyone who isn't straight.

So he has me look in his eyes and tell him I straight.

I do. So I just lied to the guy I really like just because I want to go out with him.

Well, I'm an idiot.

We're going to be hanging out soon, btw. And maybe dating one day.

So maybe what I did was for the best, but I have no idea.

Anyways....I'm hoping to hang out with him next weekend. I'll see about that on Monday--aka Halloween.

So...Yeah....I dunno what to do right now.

I should tell him, but he'd stop speaking to me. He's majorly homophobic. And I don't want to lose him!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

LET ME GO!--Life Post

Pull the trigger. Just pull the trigger or make it so you and I had never met. Adonis, I haven't spoken to you in forever but I remember all too well everything we were. Would you be proud of me if you saw me now? How strong I've become? How much I've survived? Would you have helped me with it all, or changed topics and made me laugh? Doing what I loved you so much for? What you do if I told you I almost killed myself because of you?

Come back or make it so you and I had never been.

Damn you to hell.

Don't you dare pull it, I still love you....But please.......Why did you have to become everything to me?

Letting Go Of You

Love and all the memories
Even as they start to fade (even though I try to hold on)
They still manage to cause me pain
Together forever--wasn't that what we were supposed to be?
In the darkest nights I remember us
Guess you never loved me at all

Gone from my life, but not from my heart
Oceans of tears fall from my eyes

Old agonies well up to take me down
Forever I'll be left wishing you'd stayed

Yet maybe it's right that you're gone
Open wounds may one day heal
Ushering in a happier time

Bye Adonis. Goodbye my awesome gay older bro. Have a wonderful life.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Angels That Fall

All of us have fallen
Now we wonder: Who among us will soar again?
Gracelessly we collapse on the earthen floor; and
Even as our blood pumps out we refuse to
Let go of our hopes and prayers
So we lay there dying in our dreams

Together now we drown in failures that pile up around us
How we fell so hard we do not know
Aren't we supposed to be the strong ones?
The ones who don't need help?

For now I think I'll lie here
And hope one of you stands
Lover mine, help me stand, or perhaps just
Let me lay here at peace until at last I die


Easier Now?--Life Post

Just walking away from love....Can things get better? Or can they only get worse at this point? Dylan and me....At least that's decided. Just no more dating until things make sense to try it again. Maybe that means never.....But I don't know.

Well, I have FIVE FREAKING DAYS to get myself ready to write a novel. I've got the idea done, and I'm gonna work on the characterization today. Well, I bet you're wondering why I'm on a schedule. Ya see, I'm Canadian, and guess what November is....?

NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH.

And there's an entire Canada-wide club for it. NaNo WriMo. I'm a part of the branch at my high school....yes I'm in grade nine, fourteen, and I live in a small town....and I had an idea called When You Get This that I was psyched to write, did the whole plotline and everything, and then took one look at it and realized I'd bitten off WAY more than I could chew. So now I'm trying something else. I won't tell ya guys about it--nor will it be posted on here, but I'll email it to you if you BEG.

I'll keep going on the Lycanas Gray thingamajigger. I like him and it's gonna be a fun story to write.

Well, things seem to have calmed down quite a bit. Joseph is NOT love, Emmy and me are going along quietly, and Dylan and me....We're gonna need to take a while to get used to all of this.

He...he really would've asked me back out if things had worked out that way. So it was because of what I decided that we're done.

For now....

I love him. I kinda can't NOT love him. Every moment, he's gonna be on my mind. If I'm working on something, I'll mutter his name under my breath and I'll feel better. I don't think that much about Emmy--or Joseph, who btw is now a great friend of mine. He's happier now. No girlfriend, but he's getting over that. He'll be fine.

I think......I think I'm exhausted. I'm tired and a bit sick. But I'll be fine......

Just....My friend Elaine.

I only found out a few days ago that she self harms. She didn't tell me until now because she didn't want to worry me. I guess that's a good reason--and I self harm as well (rubber band snapped on wrist, no permanent marks or visible signs)--so I can't get mad at her. We promised each other that we can't self harm if the other doesn't. Up to two nights ago, I hadn't done that in months.

I love you all. Wish me luck with my life. As always.

And if any of you are reading this....let me know. Comment, say hi, or message me on Facebook. I wouldn't mind knowing what you think of my blog and especially my poetry.

Byes.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

It All Started With a Message and a Love Unreturned. And this is When Things Go Bad

In and around school's end
This girl makes an account on Quizilla


Adonis was the boy she loved above all others
Love that was not returned
Letting go she could not do

So, searching for friends
The girl creates a quiz
And a boy takes it and messages her; over the days that follow
Realities alter to include only each other
Together they could be themselves, and
Even though they didn't know each other's names, they knew
Death couldn't keep them apart

When they realized they were in love
Ice cracks and melts, flooding them in heat
Together; they thought they were meant to be forever
However, reality always comes to end the dream:

Adonis still had the girl's heart

Maybe things could have gone differently, maybe
Even though she loved another still
she and the boy of her dreams could have been.
Sorry and hurting, they end it
And return to being friends, and now a
Girl arrives on the scene
Everything the boy could want

And he falls hard
Now as he grows and heals
Death whispers to the girl

Adonis, out of nowhere, abandons the girl

Letting go is hard to do; very hard
On one dark night, the boy and girl realize:
Varying degrees of love surround them all
Evermore they cannot escape it

Unable to choose, he takes his time
Never before has the girl hurt so much
Reality darkens and tears like cloth
Even as she shatters
The boy realizes he can't watch her break
Unending love he has for her
Reality mends and they are together again
Now they are happy again
Evermore they were meant to be
Death will not be enough to keep them apart

And so things seem to be going well
Now that they are together and healing
Didn't they realize things could only go crazy again?

Together the boy and girl leaped from love to lust
How they do not know
Inside she only wants to know she's safe, but
Somehow they drown in sin

In the midst of all this they start to ask themselves:
"So, are we really meant to be?"

Whispers of fear start to sound
How did things go bad?
"End this? Or continue?" they ask
Now the girl realizes:

The boy who had her heart, did she have his?
Hating this and seeing the signs herself, she confronts him
Inside she isn't surprised when he admits he'd never decided
Now they end things; for good they say. Now the other
Girl now has him
So our heroine kicks him out for a while

Getting over him
On the site she finds another: An angel fallen hard

But can the angel fallen rise again? Or can she even be trusted?
And as darkness and love surround the girl and boy, they ask silently:
Do we continue this love and friendship, or let each other go?


TOP LEFT--Alex Wong (aka me, heroine from the poem.) BOTTOM RIGHT--Dylan C (aka Puppet Master, boy from poem)


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes this is a true story. It's the story of two very good friends. I love you Dylan.

To Save You From The Knife I Dedicate My Life

Trust in me, I'll keep you safe
Open your heart and let me in


Saviors always catch
Angels as they fall
Victorious cries cut through
Eternity's dark silence

You and I forever without doubt
On my soul I swear to make your wold okay
Unending love will warm your darkest nights

Forever and a day, I mean that promise
Reality will never wake me from my dreams of you
Ocean's wind whisks away my tears
My sweet love, I am yours alone

They will not take me from you
Here in the shadows I will remain
Eternally watching over you

Knowing you're hurt me, I watch myself
Never forgetting you can break my heart
Inside all I care about is you, so
Forgetting about me is all too easy
Even though I should be afraid

In my fear I'd run from you

Darkness came to envelop me
Eternity stole me away
Death flooded my heart and soul
In the end I ran back to you
"Come back!" you'd cried
And at last I answered
Together forever can we remain
Even though this hurts me so?

My one and only love
You know who you are

Long in the future to come
In the end as it finally arrives, we are at peace
Forever we will be; as
Eternity comes to steal us away


Monday, October 24, 2011

ENOUGH.--Life Post

Enough of this. Enough. Look...I'm majorly caught up in trying to do what's right. I'm torn between chasing after Emmy--a liar who used me; seeing if I can snag Joseph--who would hate me if he knew I was bisexual; or going to see if my ex and I can give things another try.

Well, I'm SICK of being around people who care about me. I'm sick of this. Emmy, I love you. But if this isn't something you can do, than no I won't be anything more than a shoulder to cry on. I will always love you--NEVER forget that--but it doesn't matter anymore. Joseph, NO. Just...Just no. You're a cool guy and a good friend, but no it's not love and it won't ever be love. Just a crush and hope. Dylan....Congrats, the next paragraph is yours alone.

Dylan, what do I say to you? I love you, that doesn't even need to be said anymore. You said you'd like to maybe give things another try. But...Maybe only because that's what I told you I wanted. I love everything about you and there's no possible way that things can turn out so badly that I won't be loving you for the rest of my life. But sweets you're right. If we try things again, we're only gonna get hurt. You want what's best for me. And we've been hurt enough.

Good luck with whoever you end up with. Good luck with making your choice. I'll be here forever without fail--call me, message me. I'm never leaving you. Come find me one day. That's all I ask.

So....Enough. I'm walking away from loving the ones I wrote above. Emmy will only break me, Joseph isn't worth it, and Dylan you and I shouldn't give things another try. Not....Not for a very long time.And maybe not ever.

To you, Dylan, I leave this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AW9C3-qWug

I've had enough. I'm walking away.

After All Of This I Still Love You

Angels singing in the night sky
Freedom ringing out
Together you and I stand and face the dark
Eternity whispers on the breeze
Reality bends to keep us safe

Anyone else know how much it hurts that
Love isn't what you thought it was? That
Lust is something you were meant to have instead

Opening our hearts, we let each other in
Fear and agony surrounds us

Together--is it meant to be forever, or are we
Here to end one day?
Inside I want you to stay, but
Sweets we can never be

I still love you, of course, and I always will

Sometimes the promises we make need to be broken
Tonight, we only have tonight
In the night, hold me please
Let go of the world outside
Love me until the end of time

Letting go is something I will never do
Opened hearts can never be closed
Vines of cruelty wind through us, tying us together
Eternity whispers on the breeze

Yes, I'm here until the end
On my soul I promise you the world
Unending, eternal, everlasting love is yours.



Sunday, October 23, 2011

If I Was To Tell You Goodbye--Acrostic

Instead of keeping my promises of
Forever

I think I have to leave

Waning strength
And shattering, overpowering
Sin

Tears me away from you
Opening my eyes I try not to scream

Together I thought we were supposed to be
Eternity isn't something I can achieve
Love wars with lust
Lust overtakes love and drowns it in sweet sin

You and I
Our time has come to die
On the altar place the pieces of your heart
Done this game at last, are we?
Been fun while it lasted
You know I'm sorry for leaving
Evermore I'll regret this, but goodbye.


QUIZILLA GANG: IMPORTANT NOTICE--Life Post

Hey, hey, hey!!!! If you came here because of somebody known as BohemiAltheAuthor and BohemialtheAuthorsHeart, that's me dudes! So congratulations on coming across me on here. I used to go by Alakina on here, so I kept my identity secret. Not worth it. So now call me Alexandra Wong, or maybe just Angel. So I've got a few stories up here, and I'll see if  can post some of the ones I wrote on Quizilla on here too--especially my story Her, I wanna finish it--so check in on me once every couple days. I'm WAY busy on here, and always happy to see I'm getting views. So, I love you all world, and welcome to my wondrous insanity.

One Final Goodbye

Opening my eyes
Now I know
Ending this is what's right

Forever I told you I would be with you
Inside I meant it heart and soul
Now I know I have to break my promise
And I do not expect your forgiveness
Lover mine, this is farewell

Goodbye and goodnight
Over the months we've known each other
On you I've placed my faith
Dearest love, we're over now
Bending realities have finally broken
You and me were amazing
Eternity's come to steal me away



Forget Me--The Lycanas Grey Tale Chapter Two

You look tired....Aw, don't give me that look, you know I only want what's best for you! Sh, sh.....Rest, I'll curl up with you for a while if that helps you. No, I can't stay. I'm sorry hon, I'd stay if I could!

Finally, you're asleep. Groaning, I leave your too-tight embrace and groan, my muscles tense and sore. I bend over, nibble at your neck. In your sleep, you smile and sigh. I bite, and sip at the blood that wells out of the wound. Mmmmmmmmmm. Very tasty. You wince a bit in your sleep, and I murmur into your ear, soothing you back to sleep. I lick the wound, healing it with my saliva, and I depart, stomach filled enough to satisfy. I'll need to get more later--from a less easy source.

In search of more, I wander the city streets, breathing deeply. Mmmmm, there's a smell...My mouth starts to water, and I go to follow the scent.

I chase after it, speeding, smelling it so strongly.....

I find her, her clothes stained with blood, limping and weak. No wonder her scent was so strong....Sighing, I tackle her, and take my fill from within and also from the wounds scattered across her skin. I leave her drained in the gutter, so when she will be found people will think her blood has gone into the storm drain, instead of down a vampiric throat. My kind must not be discovered, or we'd be deprived of our all-too-easy meals.

So I sip and wander, sipping from the various wandering drunks I come upon, wincing at the strong taste of alcohol. Finally, my belly is full, and contentedly I wander back home.

I think briefly of the young woman I'd taken out to the woods, a long time ago. Chances are she's long dead, the members of my kind having killed her long before. Well, haha, my apologies. Don't ever trust me.

Sometimes, it's best to forget me, and hope you don't show up on my menu.

Well, that's it from your favorite local stark raving mad vampire.

This is Lycanas Grey, disappearing into the dark before the dawn. Farewell.


DEACTIVATION--Life Post

Maybe I should just...leave? Not on a break. God no. But...permanently. Deactivate Quizilla and Facebook. Get away from Emmy and Dylan. Forget EVERYTHING. Get the hell out. Never speak to them again. Forget I'm bi. Date somebody in real life. Have a normal life. Make a new Facebook. Restart from the beginning. Find the ones who didn't cause me pain and readd them. So....Elaine, Athena, Saira, Amanda, Mad Hatter, a handful of others, and all the real life gang. Everybody else...which comes down to Dylan and Emmy...can get the hell out. Well, jeez. Instead of deactivating I could just block the two of 'em.

I just want a normal life....Is that so wrong?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I'm Sorry!--Life Post

Dylan, I'm sorry for everything we've been through. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did or said that caused you pain. I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry. I wish I could be your 'perfect girl', but I'm not her. I don't see what you see. How do you love me? I'm not the girl you see me as. I'm sorry. All I can tell you is that I'm sorry and I can't feel. Nothing is real. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me. Love me. Please. PLEASE!

All I can say tonight is this: "I'm sorry. Goodbye."

But not forever. Never forever.

Breaking My Promise--Life Post

Damn me to hell. I said I'd do my very best to keep my life out of this, but right now the last little bit of me that has a heart is gonna break if I don't rip it out of my chest and see it here on the screen. So here goes absolutely nothing, and yes I mean that. To all my dedicated readers (haha, there's none out there I do believe), I warn you: Skip this post unless you want to know a bit too much about me. And to all of you who know me in real life, NEVER mention this. What I write on here is for...well, my eyes only really. I would like to keep my real life and personal life kept very separate. And the people involved would rip my heart out of my chest if they knew I was writing this. And yes....I'm sick of NICKNAMES! So I'll use their first names. Well, here goes....

I've got myself into a hell of a sick and twisted sitch. And no matter what I do now a heart gets broken--and it's most likely going to be mine. You see....Emmy (Sweetheart) and I are in love. I was sent to her by my friend Alicia who stepped in when she read a poem I wrote during what can only be described as the Week of Hell. I was sent in as a form of last resort--if I can't stop Emmy from spiraling until she SUCCEEDS in her attempts to kill herself, than no one can. So I stepped in first as a caring friend, and then things left friendship and shoulders to cry on and went directly to full-blown love. Yes, I'm female. Yes, so is she. I was straight for most of my life, but surprise surprise I've fallen for a girl online and I'm most likely bisexual.

Emmy....We..can never be. Alicia and her were dating--a fact both neglected to inform me of--and Emmy only told me about her AFTER I'd told her I loved her, kissed her, and only then thought she might have neglected to mention to me that she was laid claim to. And, now that things between Emmy and Alicia are somewhere resembling over, Emmy still can't be mine because she can't handle a relationship. And in truth I doubt I can trust her. I need someone safe, and that's...that's not her. And....I'm not able to love right now, because I'm somebody else's, heart and soul.....I'll get to him last. I'll finish off Emmy first (*rolls my eyes at the various pervy meanings that has*) and I'll tell you what she's like.

She's been hurt a great deal. A VERY great deal. Raped, many of her family and friends have died recently....She's lost all real will to live. I got her to tell me she would never attempt suicide again, but I'm uncertain as to whether she'll keep that promise. So I'm pushing her away a bit so I can't be hurt if she DOES leave me. Please, understand me......I went through one night of hell thinking she was dead, only to wake the next morning to the news that she hadn't cut deep enough. No. I can't....WON'T put myself through that.


And....Now here steps in Joseph. Tall, brown haired, brown eyed, seventeen, in grade twelve, and he doesn't go to my school. We're on the bus together and he's a very good guy. He's the ex of a friend of mine, and he's shy around girls--sort of. He's been hurt a lot by girls, and yes that is unfair. But you don't know him. He believes that girls are always weaker than men, always less smart, and never as good. He is homophobic. He is decidedly racist. He uses a lot of stereotypes. So here I am, half-Chinese, female, and bisexual--which he hates more than people who are homosexual. If he knew I was bi, chances are he wouldn't let me speak to him. But he's a good guy. He's a friend of mine. He's fun to be around, funny, good at giving advice, and there's just something...something right about him. And besides....What else am I going to do on the hour long bus ride each night? And seeing him each day and not being able to say a word to him because he can't accept me...That would be hell. So maybe I've got a chance of happiness with him--but I don't rightly know. He's into chubbier girls, and I'm neither fat nor thin. But I just.....He....I'm sick of being alone! He doesn't treat me like his other friends, he knows I'm sweeter and kinder than all the rest, and he knows I'm safe to be around. I'm just so sick of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So......I've got down here two pretty bad choices already. Emmy the Unattainable and Joseph the Ass. Shall we go with Dylan the Savior? But he's got his own difficulties. We've known each other for around seven months. Haha, 'known.' Online. Joseph is the only one I know in real life. We met on a site because of a quiz I made, it said we would be friends, and he messaged me. Before long, we had hit it off and there was something about us that made us right. I'm not saying it was love at first sight/message, but....Pretty dang close. One day we were dating, and then we ended because of distance (eight hours' drive between us, different countries) and because I still had feelings for Adonis. Yes, the Adonis with a post written about him. And....Dylan and I got back to normal after that. Eventually....

And then enter a love triangle. Dylan was falling for Marianne, and I was stuck watching him because he didn't know I still had feelings for him. And then one night I tell him. And then, not much later, the Week of Hell mentioned above begins because Dylan takes time away to decide between Marianne and I. And that's when a lot of my friends are made--strangers reaching out to find the breaking girl who begged for help via poetry flooded with broken hearts and images of death and wrenching sobs. Dylan ended that one week early, telling me he'd chosen me. We rush things, which inevitably lead us to going too far. And then I confront him because Saira O'Conley--yes, from the poem--pointed out the red flags I wasn't letting myself see.

He admitted it.

He'd never decided.

So we end it, and a few hours later he's with Marianne. You can imagine how I feel about that. Pissed and heart broken and betrayed.

And cold. Utterly cold. That's when my heart dies.

And now that Dylan and Marianne are over for their own reasons--it's not my story so I refuse to share it--he's free and he's now hurting. Why? He has to make this choice:

1. Try to get the 'perfect girl' back. Aka me.
2. Try to get the girl he likes a lot to like him back
3. Try to find somebody else and make it work with them.

But he won't choose me because of all the crap I'm going through (aka Joseph and Emmy). He can't add onto my pain, because he can't see me hurt. He won't choose option 2 because she'll never like him back that way, and he doesn't think he has a chance. So that leaves option three.

I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

And that's just cursedly stupid.

Look, kiddies.....I'm breaking. Forget you ever read this post and don't try to help. Unless you wanna get wrenched into all this, I'd suggest you pray and forget.

I don't truly believe in God, but whatever helps would be appreciated.....

Sorry for breaking my promise.

I just needed to write this.

Friday, October 21, 2011

LIES AND TRUTH (Acrostic Assortment V.7)

So here are some on the two things that have been on my mind lately.....

LITTLE LIAR

Little beautiful girl
Inside I know you're false
Tell me the truth
They know you're lying
Little liar, you're a fool
Easily I can tell you're lying to me

Lie down, bare your neck
In your eyes I can see your weakness
And now I'll make you pay for it
Reality's come to end your dream.


THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER


The truth of this is
Hard to say
Evil courses through my veins

The truth is this: In
Reality I never loved you
Unendingly I hated you
Together was not something I wanted to be
How you didn't see it I will never know

Opened your soul to me
Forever I'll hate you for it

Truly, I don't know
How you thought I loved you
Evil things never love

Maybe now you'll understand
And break in two
The truth is....
The truth is so
Easy to say: In
Reality I ALWAYS hated you

Thursday, October 20, 2011

LOVE AND SUICIDE (Acrostic Assortment--V.6)

Muahaha.....Love the name of this post. Well, we've got two poems here: 'Love is a Promise', and 'Suicide is Silent'. Let's start with the happier one, shall we...?

SUICIDE IS SILENT


Sweet release at last
Unending pain finally over
Inside the broken heart stops at last
Calmness floods your soul
In the morning their faces will fill with horror
Deep in your peace, you won't care
Eternity comes to steal you away

Inside at last you are free
Silently you shriek your victory

Someday they will see that
In their heartlessness they'd caused your death
Lies will become truth
Ending at last their games
Now at last you are free
Truly and utterly free


Muahahahaha! How many of you guessed that that was the one I meant when I said I'd start with the happier one? Well, almost no one reads this, so I guess it doesn't matter. Well, onto the lovey-dovey one then.


LOVE IS A PROMISE

Light in the darkest days
One and one alone
Vivid promises of
Eternity and never ending

Inside you have to mean it
See only your love's face when you close your eyes

Always and forever without doubt

Pain, however, is hand in hand with sweet adoration
Reality is a cold thing you don't want to grasp
Open your mind and your soul
Maybe it will come to an end but
Inside you will forever love them
Sleep at night in their arms
Eternally drown in their smile



There we are....My two very different acrostic poems. I hope you like them.

Acrostic Assortment--V.5

So here I am again with even more acrostic poetry. One more dedicated to a friend, and then onto a selection of sentence format ones. So Saira it's your turn at last....

Saira O'Conley


So I love you heart and soul
And there's nothing that will make me leave
Inside I feel like you're a part of me
Realizing I'd die without you happened only recently
And now I'll never forget it

Opened my heart and soul to you

Can I ever understand why you judge it good?
On your darkest nights
Never doubt I'll be your light in the shadows
Love forever, my wondrous friend
Evermore will I stay for
You, my sweet sister


And now here's one written from her point of view.....


Bad Kitteh


Bad little girl
Angel, please be careful
Don't you know what you're getting into?

Knowledge isn't something you have a lot of, but you're learning
Inside I'll always know you're breaking
Trust me when you're ready
Trust me to keep you safe
Easy, think this through now; what's best for YOU?
Honey, I'm proud of you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Acrostic Assortment--V.4

Ara and Sun-Jung's turn, world.

Ara (Joking poem)

Amazing and sweet
Really though it's hard to write
A poem doing you justice using a name so short


Ara the Wise (Yeah, yeah, I had to add words to make it do her justice)

Advice I get from you
Realities you bend so I can make sense of them
Apologies for your disappearances echo in my ears

Truth and forgiveness you give to me
How I deserve someone
Eternally good?

Wondrous friend
I don't deserve you
So I say this and mean it to the depths of my soul
Evermore will I remain your faithful friend


Sun-Jung (For once a real life friend)

Someone new
Ushering in a happier time
Now at last I'm safe with you

Joyous and bright
Unending, make me laugh
Now that we're friends
Girl, can we stay that way forever?

Acrostic Assortment--V.3

Third set. Time for Elaine and Athena to get what's coming to them. *Winks.*

Elaine (Really good friend)

Eternally you've made me smile
Leaping into my life when I needed you most
Always count on me for friendship
In my darkest nights
Need i tell you what I do?
Easing into sleep, I plan our road trips.
xD

Athena (Friend of Elaine's and mine)

Anna you found first
Twasn't long until you and I were friends as well
How have I earned your kindness
Evermore I'll laugh with you
Now you know my every secret
And you do not judge me.

Acrostic Assortment--V.2

So here we've got girls.....And yes...I am in love with the first one. The second is just a friend.

Sweetheart (also known as Emmy/Emily V)

Sweet and soft
Why won't you say you're mine?
Eternity I'll give to you
Emily my girl
Truth and love is something I'll give to you alone
Heart and soul I am yours
Emmy, say you love me
Always and forever
Racing heart and shortened breath; you know
That's the reaction I get from you


Amanda Dahl (Love you girl!)

Amazing and wondrous girl
Marvelous angel, don't you see that you're beautiful?
Always and forever I'm here
Never will I leave you
Don't you see
All the things I see?

Death won't keep me from being your friend
Always I want to be laughing with you
Home is where you are
Love is the fire that warms it

Acrostic Assortment--V.1

Random assortment of acrostic poetry using my friends' real names. I'll post a few each version, no pics for these. They'd kill me.

Dylan Cummins (aka Puppet Master)

Don't you see
You are everything to me
Love and life
And even though you've hurt me so much
Never will I let you go

Calm and gentle
Unending but imperfect love, meant in ways I can't comprehend
Maybe I'll love you forever, but
Maybe I'll let you go
I know you're hurting, so
Now I'll try to heal you
Somehow I'll keep my promise of forever.


Mad Hatter (Also known as Alex, but that's what I call him)

My friend
Always and forever I'm here
Don't worry, I'll try my best to keep you safe

How are you today?
Anyone else loving you?
The times we've laughed
The times we've cried
Every time I've loved you more
Reality I'll change to keep you safe

Monday, October 17, 2011

I Wish

I wish we could keep
The promises we made in the hours without sleep
I wish we could stay
Together for forever and a day
I wish you hadn't hurt me
Had never caused me agony
I wish I could keep you here
By my side forever in all this fear
I wish that I could love you
But I don't know what to do
I wish I could give you my heart and soul
But neither of them are whole
I wish I didn't have to say this
But I'd do anything to feel your kiss
I wish I could have you back
But for hurting me you've got the knack
I wish we were still dreaming
But now we're waking
I wish I was what you need
But too many times I've made your heart bleed
I wish you didn't regret
Saying all those sweet things I can't forget
I wish we were still in love
But now it's the sun shining up above
I wish I didn't want to leave
But I still have to grieve
I wish you would stay
But everything ends one day


Save Me

No matter how hard I try
I always want to die
I'm losing control
Because deep within my soul
I'm begging to be free
But no one can see me
I'm trying to understand
Trying to do what the world has planned
But I can't feel
And none of this is real
Let me out
I'm so filled with doubt
Everything I am
Is nothing but a sham
Stop me now
Get me out of here somehow
I'm trying my best
But the sins I've never confessed
Are coming back to me
They're haunting my memory
Everything I attempt to do
Will fail without you
So help me try
Before I die


Ending and Beginning

So it's a whole new start
But is it with the same heart?
Is any of this real?
Will I ever feel?
I love a few
That have been with me through
Thick and thin
But some have no place within
My life anymore
Some left long before
I hold onto their memories
But they've faded, all their agonies
Are now all but forgotten
This battle isn't done
We're still the same
As we were, it's only the game
That's changed at all
But now within the wall
Come the screams of things
Forgotten, and songs no one sings
Echo eternally in the night
We're holding onto the candle light
Is there anyone else here
Besides us, in all this fear?
Does it matter anymore?
How long do we have before
We die?
And all the tears we cry
Drown us?
Kill us?
What happened to you an I?
Why do I want to die?
At least now we restart
But is it with the same heart?


A Poem by Puppet Master--Life Post

This poem I have STOLEN. Or...borrowed. Aha, deal with it. It was written by my friend Puppet Master, and the name it spells is the name of his girlfriend. I am the Angel of Despair. Whoopdefreakingdoo.

Here it is.....


Just hearing your name excites my skin
A roaring fire burns through me
Strengthened by the thought of hearing your voice or feeling your touch
Tingles go down my spine when I think of you
Every one of my senses goes into overdrive
Nerves scream out as everything jump into ultra-fine focus

Most men would give anything for a girl like you
And I once thought I would too
Rain fell, the night you said yes to me
Instantly, my world brightened
As the girl I left behind became an Angel of Despair
Nothing but you filled my days
Nothing, for those first two weeks
Everything else was irravent

Fog covered my eyes and blinded me to the truth
Revealed by the Angel of Despair, you weren't ever there
Inside of me, something broke, when I realized that you weren't ever truely there
Erase my mind, please, Angel of Despair
Don't let me remember this one sided relationship
Release me from love's iron claws
Instead, she laughs and grabs my hand
Changing not reality, but my state of mind, so now I can be found
Here in this room with the big, white, padded walls


I'm trying my best to help him, but there is very little I can do. I am this way because of him. I became an Angel of Despair--which reminds me, I hate that nickname--because of how he left me behind. So she drove him crazy.....And I'm expected to try and help my ex......Who I still love.....

Shoot me, please!

So I doubt that Puppet Master knows I have this blog. He'd likely kill me for stealing his poem, but the fact that I'm mentioned in it is too good to pass up.

Well, I have a few names you can know me as.

Dumah--Angel of Silence
Angel of Despair--thank you Puppet Master
Alakina--the name I would like to be known as on this
Annabelle Shadowlight--email

None of those names are mine--but Annabelle Shadowlight.......If you ever find a girl named Anna Shadowlight on a different site with the same picture provided on my email profile, that is me as well.

So, that is about all I wish to say. I won't be home much tonight, and I'd best go. Farewell. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Adonis--Explanation--Life Post

So I have posted three poems now. The poems 'Adonis....', 'Left Behind', and 'I Remember' were all written dedicated to my ex best friend. We met on Facebook, he was the friend of a friend and I got curious enough to add him. We started talking, and we got close. We got very close. I started realizing I was losing my mind, that I wanted to cut, and he was the first person that I ever told. He talked me through it, got me to calm down, and I never cut. Eventually, he ended up being instrumental in me dating my friend Puppet Master (yes, from the Swift Return post) and when Puppet Master and I ended it was because of him that I recovered. I loved Adonis very much, with my heart and soul. I used to have a crush on him, but that ended because he was...erm...gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah--I fell for a gay guy that I've never met. Shush, I know I'm a fool.

So anyways....He ended up listing me as his sister. He was my awesome Greek God brother Adonis, and I was his lil Mortal. I loved this guy with everything I was....

And then, well, he left. There was drama going on and fights and he was the cause of it all, and I was the one constantly there to make things turn out right for him. I was always on his side, and his side alone. I would give him anything, and then....He just...just left me. He never told me why. He deactivated his Facebook account one night, and I wanted to die that night. And then he reactivates a few days later, of course, but....God, he never came back to me! He left my life forever, and he said he had truly cared about me, that if he didn't he wouldn't have cared if I lost my friends, he would've let me stay cold. But now he didn't care about me anymore, and I should just let him go.

I'll try to let him go, but he was my world.

Goodbye, Adonis.

Have an amazing life, brother dear.

*Starts to cry all over again.*

I Remember

I remember you
How I could I forget?
I recall loving you
Something I can't regret
I would do anything
To make your world okay
You were my everything
But then came the day
That you left me behind
Have you forgotten me?
The girl, Mortal, so sweet and so kind
What have you done to me?
I thought I had recovered
But now I sit here and cry
All the things remembered
All the feelings that had to die
I remember you
I remember me
All the things we would do
You and me
I try to force away
The memory
Of that dark day
That you left me
But I can't forget
And oh no
I can't regret
Knowing the things that I know
It's been so long
But I remember still
Everything was wrong
And everything right that we never will
Get a chance to do now that you're gone
But I remember you
And I am alone
With my memories of you


Left Behind

You left me behind
You walked away
That wasn't kind
What you did that day
I loved you
You were my life
I would do anything for you
And in return you kept me from the knife
But now you're gone
Will I ever know why?
Why did you leave me alone?
And why won't they let me die?
Whenever I needed a friend
I could call on you
But then we came to an end
I lost you
Why did you leave me?
You never told me why
You said it had nothing to do with me
But was that a lie?
I'd fight back the dark to make you happy
I'd give you anything
But now you've left me
I am left behind
Do you remember me?
The girl so kind
You said you loved me
But I guess you lied
You left me alone
Everything good within me has died
I am alone


Adonis.....

Will I survive the events of today?
Will I survive everything I went through?
Will I survive?
Will anyone understand
The agony in my heart?
Will anyone understand
The fact that I can't live
Now that he's gone?
The fact that I'm done
And my heart is broken
Will anyone understand?
Will anyone understand
The fact that even though
He was a perfect stranger
I loved him nonetheless
I loved him nonetheless
Will anyone understand
If I don't wake up tomorrow?
If tonight sees me dead
At my own hand
Will  anyone understand
If I die tonight....
Will anyone save me
Tear me away from here
Will anyone help me
Now that he's done
Will I ever understand
Why he left me behind
Will I ever understand
Why he left me for good
Will I ever understand....
Will I live without him
Will I ever heal
Will anyone understand
That what was between us
Was real
Will anyone understand
That now Adonis is gone
I am alone....
I am alone....

Adonis....Yeah, that's the Greek God I knew and loved.....